The one you Love will not blind you
The one you love will bind you
Because you can see the one you love clearly so care for the one you love
So therefore the one you love makes you energized
The one you love can make you get though the thinnest lies
The one you love is like this likes and dislikes it was not always the hearted that I always now get
the one you love will say When I am planning on the same things I am standing on this is how far I get
I am looking for the one who wants to be the one I’m cooking for forward in life is where I’m moving towards
My thirteen steps are 7 keys and 6 doors to consciousness
for the one I love I make sure that not a physical soul or spirit is stopping it
to the one I love If you play Then I’m straight
I’m early to the fact and not late
I took some time off for you to be great
Seems like you want my situation you all cant handle it
That’s the truth I make it live I made you live its the truth you all cant handle shit
Its like telling jokes to a comedian oh its me again
Wearing 7 jeans Nike white uptowns v necks strap back and a cardigan
I’m riding the trains now cant wait to hop out to enter a car again
let me eat your waffles in the morning right so let go my ego
So please stop feeling yourself
Calm down let your guard down around me plus you can be yourself
I’m all in to you I’m feeling you isn’t my boo you my baby
Matter of fact facts matter and this is because your my lady
And you isn’t the fruit of my eye because my eyes on the sparrow
I know the world got turns on it keep me in a narrow road girl its my world you a Queen I’m a pharaoh
And to the one I love I’ve seen your promise land and if I travel I promise to land on yours
to the one I love of course I might stay and plan on making yours
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I can tell there’s a significant amount of thought that went into this piece. It’s undoubtedly personal with unique colloquialisms that I really enjoyed. I liked this line especially: Wearing 7 jeans Nike white uptowns v necks strap back and a cardigan. The tone is consistent but with the lack of commas to break up certain sentences, some ideas don’t flow how they are intended it seems. Perhaps in a musical sense omission of punctuation is effective, but for written work and for readers unfamiliar with the style there should be some pauses or broken up ideas.
Here are some notes:
1. I would either maintain the capitalized L in Love or keep the word all lowercase throughout the piece, not a combination. Also look out for unnecessary capitalization or lack thereof.
The one you Love will not blind you
The one you love will bind you
2. Example of comma insertion:
Because you can see the one you love clearly[,] so care for the one you love
I am looking for the one who wants to be the one I’m cooking for[,] forward in life is where I’m moving towards
3. This sentence could be rephrased because it’s somewhat confusing.
The one you love is like this likes and dislikes it was not always the hearted that I always now get
4. Perhaps a comma where you think it should be placed, how it reads there’s a couple variations to break up the sentence. Also lookout for capitalized/lowercase words.
the one you love will say When I am planning on the same things I am standing on this is how far I get
5. In this instance I would spell out each of the numbers. The Chicago Manual of Style (CMoS), which suggests “for nontechnical contexts” (aka: fiction) that you spell out numbers from zero through one hundred. [https://thesarcasticmuse.com/2014/11/14/writing-fluid-fiction-when-should-i-spell-out-numbers/]
My thirteen steps are 7 keys and 6 doors to consciousness
6. I would capitalize the P in Pharaoh unless you intend to idolize the ‘Queen’ and diminish yourself ‘pharoah’ in which case keep it the same.
I know the world got turns on it keep me in a narrow road girl its my world you a Queen I’m a pharaoh
7. Excellent use of word repetition!
And to the one I love I’ve seen your promise land and if I travel I promise to land on yours
Matter of fact facts matter and this is because [you’re] my lady
Great job, thanks for contributing! We look forward to reading more work from you.
I enjoyed reading your poem. I noticed a very big difference between the first half and the second half of your piece. The beginning starts off somewhat slow, and then towards the end it picks up and the reader is forced to read faster. The second half is lyrical, with rhyming words and an intense rhythm. I like how you say that “The one you love will not blind you” and “The one you love will blind you.” This is a powerful paradox because it reminds us that love and the people that we love have a strong power over us. Love is intense, and love is commanding. It has the power to do many different things to us.