Within the next two weeks, I had driven from New York to Indiana to be with my parents. They helped me find a cozy one bedroom apartment in Dayton, Ohio. We sparsely furnished it. Elementary school was opening up next week. The family I was going to be working with, the Richardson’s, had asked me to come and spend some time with their son Zackary before the start date.
I, Jessica Cooke, felt both a mixture of nervousness and excitement. I actually really loved kids and that is why I was in the teaching field. Ever since I was a little girl, I used to play ‘school’ with my dolls and stuffed animals, setting my room up to look like a class. People told me that I was a natural born teacher. I was always given the responsibility of training new employees at every job I ever worked. I had the ability to explain concepts in a simple manner, especially to children.
I surveyed myself in the mirror. I had pale blonde hair, aqua colored eyes, small delicate features, average height and slender build. For our very first meeting, I had decided to stick with a simple business casual outfit. I wore a knee length light blue skirt and a half sleeved white blouse with beige pumps.
I pulled up my silver Nissan Altima into the driveway of a double storied brick house inside a suburban neighborhood. I rang the doorbell. Mr. Richardson opened the door with a polite smile. He was a handsome man who looked like he was right about 40 years old. Mrs. Richardson came next and greeted me warmly. She was an attractive lady who was in her late thirties, but could easily pass for much younger. From what I had heard, she was a competent divorce attorney in the area.
We sat down in their living room to discuss Zackary’s home schooling schedule and their expectations of me as his learning coach. By the end of our chat, I was very eager to meet my new student for myself.
I was led to his bedroom upstairs. “Hi Zackary! My name is Jessica Cooke and I’m going to be your new study buddy!” I greeted bending down to his level. I saw a pair of large dark eyes look up at me with fear.
If I could make a suggestion: In the third paragraph, rather than flat out describing Jessica “I had pale blonde hair, aqua colored eyes, etc.) I would try to incorperate it into actions. For example, you could say something like, “I looked for a tan hair tie so it would blend in with my pale blonde hair” “I wore a plain white blouse so it wouldn’t distract from my aqua eyes.”
I’d also like to hear the parents expectations of the son and why it made Jessica so eager to meet him! Although maybe I’ll learn this in the upcoming chapters.
Thanks for the excellent suggestions, the way you have worded it sounds much better for her description. This is my first novel that I was writing on another site, where I had to limit the word count to a page, so I really had to narrow it down.
1. This was worded a bit odd to me, as if you’re under oath or something.
I, Jessica Cooke, felt both a mixture of nervousness and excitement.
2. I, Jessica Cooke, felt both a mixture of nervousness and excitement. I actually really loved kids and that is why I was in the teaching field.
===Why not say something like this:
[Irregardless, I really] loved kids and that is why I was in the teaching field.
3. Ever since I was a little girl, I used to play ‘school’ with my dolls and stuffed animals, setting my room up to look like a class.
This is definitely something that many can associate with doing – because of the playfulness of the sentence you could insert some humor if that would align with the character’s nature like maybe talking about how they never seemed to bring back their homework assignments completed or something.
4. I like this phrasing!
I surveyed myself in the mirror.
5. I was always given the responsibility of training new employees at every job I ever worked.
Every and ever seem repetitive, maybe try:
every job I held and maintained.
6. There should be a hyphen because it’s a certain type of sleeved blouse.
half-sleeved white blouse
7. From what I had heard, she was a competent divorce attorney in the area.
‘Competent’ makes her sound mediocre, not sure what message you’re trying to portray of the mother, but if she is a stronger character consider saying she’s an [effective/relentless/prominent/other word] divorce lawyer
8. I saw a pair of large dark eyes look up at me with fear.
===Consider this sentence as a slightly stronger and gets the same point across:
I saw a pair of large, fearful dark eyes looking up at me rife with uncertainty.
9. Maybe try:
Ch. 2 – I am Jessica Cooke
Keep up the hard work!
I love the suggestion of inserting humor in there about not completing homework on time! With your feedback, I am now getting the hang of editing and really thinking about each and every sentence and how it can possibly be restated to sound better.