I was driving through the rain today, and then all of a sudden, the roadway was dry, the sky was clear, the rain stopped. Just like that. And it reminded me of you. You are my clear sky. And I know how much I have hurt you running from that. I left you alone with it and then I got mad at you for starting over with someone new. I have done it a thousand times. I swore every time it would be different, and it wasn’t. And now I come home tired and bruised, and I want you to trust me. It would be laughable if I did not need it so desperately.
I know I have let you down, and it probably won’t be the last time. It probably won’t be the last time I hurt your feelings or say something stupid that makes you angry either. But it will be the last time I leave your side. It will be the last time I lie to you or run away. These things I can promise.
I remember when I used to believe in love so deeply. And I can’t say exactly when I stopped. I know it was some time before I burned you into my arm. A tattoo I could never let anyone else’s lips touch. And I remember desire and intimacy and passion, and I am not sure when I lost them either. But I know I learned to hate them, and I took it all out on you. And I choke on my words when I ask for your love not because I don’t mean them but because I feel like I don’t deserve it.
For years, every time I was in a record store, I would look for one of yours. Just to feel close to you for a second. I would just stand there if I found one and run my finger over your face. I would drive for hours just to be near you. I would hang out in places you had been just to imagine how you felt there. I would listen to anyone you sang with just to wonder what you liked about them. I would get up hours before work to watch videos of you. Just to feel you. I know I left you, but I never really left you.
I remember wanting things a lifetime ago, accomplishments, women, experiences, but I never really cared if I didn’t get them. I know that I tried to make you the same, just something else that didn’t go my way. But you are so much more than that to me. I have been betrayed and I have been the betrayer, but you are so much more to me than what we have done to each other. I know that none of this has gone the way either of us would have chosen, but our big, crazy, complicated, unpredictable love story is exactly what I want in my life. And I am here. I can’t make you trust me or wait for me or want me back, but I am going to be here when you decide you do.