As I sit here thinking (mostly because I am stoned) about my life, I think Dang, WHAT A LIFE! I have over come so many obsticles like many of us have but my obsticles I am not sure most people could handle. Hey I could be wrong. But I will let you decide for yourself: I remember alot. Some things I wish I did not have to. I guess these are the things I needed to teach me a lesson. Things that have made me a better person today. I am not perfect but I strive to do my best. The first memory I recall is the day my father walked out on us. I remember so clearly because we were crying and begging him to stay. A hurtful moment that will forever be etched in my mind. Now I do remember this one time. I was about 6 or 7. I just had surgery on the back of my leg, I had a cyst removed. Well I could not walk without a walker. This one night my younger sister and I were looking out the bedroom window trying to freak each other out. Well something spooked us and we took off down the hall. Me of course I can not go very fast and it just so happened I got my walker stuck between the hall walls. I was so scared, of what hell I do not remember, and crying. My dad comforted me! That is the only fond memory I have of my father as a child. I grew up poor. It is what it is. My mom worked at a bar. Often times not home at night and/or sleeping all day. So that left me in charge of my 3 younger siblings. My mother did not worry about clean clothes for school, I took on that responbilitly. Alot of the times not having a washer and dryer I handwashed them. My youngest brother was the hardest to care for. He has a disability and adhd. Super out of control unless on meds but when on meds he was a zombie. Then another moment I remember that really sent my world into chaos was when my uncle molested me. I was in my early teens. It put a fear in me that I had never felt before. Shame that I have never felt before. A family who brushed it under the rug. We all use to stay at my Aunt and Uncle’s. And when I say all I mean my sister and 5 cousins. I woke up to him groping me. I was paraylzed in fear. Why was he doing this to me, why me? He finished and not long after everyone woke up. I remember breakfast being cooked and he sat me on the washer and spread my legs, after that I do not remember what happened. I don’t know if my brain is blacking something out or what. I also remember being in the bathroom taking a shower. Instead of using the other bathroom in the house he chose to use the one I was taking a shower in. I can not recall why the door was left unlocked. I told my sister and she covinced me to tell our mother. I did! I wish I hadn’t! My mother and grandmother did not want to hurt my aunt by telling her what her husband had done. So my mother threatneded him saying “If you ever touch my daughter again” Blah blah blah. But that was it. It was over and not soon after my aunt and uncle divorced. I still to this day am not sure if she actually knows. I graduated, wow a big accomplishment in your life. Both my parents missed my graduation. Their first born graduating was not that important to them. Then one night I was in a car crash that almost cost me my life. Out of the 4 of us I was the only one critically hurt. I was lifelined to a hospital better equipped for my situation. I had broke every bone in my face, severed my retina I have no eye, shattered my nose and broke my upper jaw and broke my neck. Life just threw me a whole new obsticle that I am gonna have to deal with. It was not hard to get over the fact I was to only see out of 1 eye the rest of my life. I am so lucky. I am still alive and I can still walk. So I would have to adjust to this new life that was given to me. I did. I have adapted. Not long after the car wreck I met this boy at a party. The first person to give me any attention. I ended up pregnant after 3 months. That is when it all changed his true colors came out. I embarked down a journey for the next 8yrs I thought I would never go on. I do not know why he hates me so much or what I have done to make him do the things he has done. I am not innocent by no means. But he is cruel! For the next 8 yrs he was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. You ask “Why stay then?” Well until you have been in an abusive relationship then I can not explain it to you. He was physical threw both pregnancies. Him and his family were embarressed to tell people who the mother was but I was good enough for him to have kids with. I got smart. I left. I had custody for the kids for about 2 yrs when he decided he wanted custody. He could not prove me unfit but the ball was in his court because of his family name. I lost custody. Like what, how does this happen? I thought it was hard to take a child/children from their mother unless they could prove the mother was unfit. Shit I was wrong. I guess it is all in who you know. My heart is broken. The only 2 things in my life at that moment that made me feel like I was doing something right was taken from me. He moved around. With held my weekend visits. Blocked my phone calls to my kids. Took my childs phone that I bought so he could not talk to me. I am like damn what the fuck else does he want. He took my kids, isn’t that enough. Nope, he want to hurt me bad. Now not everything has been horrible. I am happily married. I found my prince charming. We have our problems but what couple doesn’t. We work threw them. Not long after we started dating I got super sick. When I say super sick I mean almost die kinda sick. My past comes creaping up on me. I learned to deal with only seeing out of one eye. But well over 15 yrs after my wreck I developed a sinus infection. How do the 2 connect you may ask. Well my left nasal cavity was completly closed off. Eventually over time infection set in. Went to hospital because I developed swelling in my bad eye. The hospital diagnosed me with a life threating condition. Orbital Cellulitis. Look it up, I’m not gonna explain it. The doc gave me a shot of pain meds and said sorry nothing more we can do for you and sent us on our way. We went home and the swelling was getting closer and closer to my good eye. He said were going to a better hospital. So we drove an hour and half. I was an immediate admit. Surgery the next day to put a drain tube in my eye to drain some the infection. 5 day stay in the hospital and sent home on a pic line. A pic line is something they put in your arm and boy does that bitch hurt, to give you IV meds at home. So a month of that shit. Things were starting to look better. Even though we were concerned thinking they were taking the drain tube out to soon. But we trusted the infection control doctor. Our concerns were correct about them taking out the drain tube to early. I forgot to mention that I had a surgery scheduled but it was still a month or so away. All of us trust our doctor’s and have total confidence in them. They are the ones who have the degree! So the infection doctor took out the drain tube. Back home we went. A few days later guess what? We were right, infection sets in again. Another few hospital night stays, another picc line (the other was out) and a another drain tube. This time the tube will stay in till surgery. You may be asking yourself or not “What surgery is she talking about? Well in August I went in for them to drill a whole so my left nasal cavitity would drain. I healed from that and moved on. That was until infection set in again. Yep that’s right, infection came back. “Sighs” Not again! Here we go. It happened a few years later, so I had a little break from it. The doctor I seen this time, same hospital, was a good one. All these doctor’s I went to have always told me they have never seen a case like mine. This doctor records his surgery’s and with permission he uses them as a teaching tool. Well we know that drilling a hole does not work so what will. This doctor had been looking over my case way long before I came in to see him. How you may ask? Well he already had a plan on what to do! He told us that he would go in but he would have to cut my scalp from ear to ear, pull my face down to the bridge of my nose. They can’t go any lower. They would take the bone out that seperates the 2 nasal cavities and put some plates in. It is a good thing hardware does not set off the alarms when walking thru security at the airport. I’d be searched everytime. How embarrassing. The surgery was a great success. I went on about my life until 2 years later another infection developed. The gals in my family were blessed or for myself cursed with large breasts. All of us gals pretty petite. I am only 5’2, I am not overweight but my boobs were just way to big. They were starting to hurt my back on top of the long term care work I do. So it was medically necessary to have a reduction. Most women want bigger tata’s but not me. After living with big breasts most of my life, I was excited cause I was gonna be part of the itty bitty titty club. Trust me when I say bigger is not always better. After fighting health insurance the surgery date was scheduled. After the surgery where they had cut me started to turn black and under both breasts were gapping wounds. I did not realize I was allergic to the surgical tape they used. I ended up with a 5 day hopital stay for IV antibotics then sent home with another PICC line. I have healed that was last year. Even though it caused me so much problems after surgery, I would not change a thing. It has changed my life in a good way, A lot of my adult hood has been hospitals, infections. 2019 I was back in the hospital for another infection. All my infections have been life threatening but this last one really scared me. I have worked in long term care for over 20yrs and do not see how I missed the signs of a UTI. It went so long that it turned into a kidney infection, a severe one which could have killed me. I am hard headed and if it had not been for my husband, I would not have went to the hospital. I had enough of doctors, hospitals, infections. I am glad he made me go. I got over that but found out this week I have another UTI. Sometimes I feel like a infection factory. At this time your probally thinking no way has she been through all of this. Yeppers I have. My sister and I were just talking about this tonight. I have been in and out hospitals with everything that has happened to me and my sister maybe hopsitalized a couple of times. Jan 31, 2019 on my way to work I heard a song on radio “Old Church Choir” how nothing is gonna steal my joy. I prayed about it and I meant it. With everything that has happened a little bit of joy was taken from. This last UTI diagnosis yea I was sick for 4 days, couldn’t keep anything down for 5 days but when I prayed that night I meant in 2020 nothing will steal my joy. You have heard so many bad things that happened to me, my next parts will be about despite all the bad that has happened to me, it was not always bad. I can say Dang, what a life I have lived. Still have a lot of life to live. I have had wonderful memories and so many blessings in my life. So this is my bad. I did not write this for sympathy, I just wanted to share my story. Now good bye bad, Next chapters will be good.
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