On the weekends my neighborhood look like a flea market. With so many tag sales going on in so many houses I wonder if it is their primary source of income. They act like it’s some type of a family owned business like Mom’s and Pop’s except it’s outside. Usually on their drive way or on their lawns. So far I haven’t seen one on the roof, yet…..
Assholes!
I don’t like my neighbors. Well except for this sweet old lady who lives down my street. I guess she’s okay. So I decided to buy something from her garage. And she had this gold colored oil lamp. It looked like Aladdin’s magical lamp. So I bought it. Because I still watch cartoons….
No one was home at the moment. That’s because everybody’s working. Except for me, it’s my day off. So I went into my room and set the lamp on the top of the drawer. And then for some reason I decided to give it a good rub to see if a genie appears out of the blue. Nothing. Of course nothing happened. Well not at first…….
It happened few minutes later when I felt my bowels feeling bubbly inside. Yup, it was diarrhea. And it was as soon as I sat down did the genie appeared before my surprised wide eyeballs popping out like a cartoon expression of, dafuq? He wasn’t green nor big. But he was a talking Chihuahua with an unlit cigar in its mouth. It said,” What’s up master? Would you like three wishes?”
Now I was looking at this beige colored cute little sucker with a big unlit cigar in its tiny mouth talking to me sitting down on its hind legs and its front legs upright and its big cute adorable bug eyes looking up into my eyes and just asked me a question while I’m taking a shit and I still couldn’t fucking believe my eyes and ears this was actually happening! But instead of going crazy, I remained calm and sane and responded.
I grabbed the can and guzzled it down in one gulp. And the dog walked back to the open door way and sat down like before looking up at me.
“So you’re going to give me three wishes, is that all I get?” I asked holding the empty can in my hand and staring into it and not looking at the dog…….
“Nice try, master. You know you’ve used up one of your three wishes. You should’ve said do me a favor. But now it’s too late. You have two wishes left, master.”
“Why you tricky little fucker…. uh, alright. Okay, I get it now. I see what you about, mr. technicality. Deceitful canine! I mean that was no magical wish! Anybody could’ve done that trick! So what’s up, my dog? Can’t I have it back, pretty please?”
“No, master.” it said cute and curtly and looking at me nonchalantly, matter of factly and looking rather bored…..
“Sorry master, it doesn’t work that way. No sir. The rule say you can’t wish for more wishes….”
“What rule? Whose rule says I can’t wish for more wishes? Who?”
“D, O, G, spelled backwards.”
“Huh?” I had to think for few seconds more because it sounded like a tricky question more than it was an answer. “Ha ha ha, smart ass! So what does god look like? Let’s see … a Great Dane? It must be like a god to you, you little shit.” I said sarcastically.
“You’re right. God is a Great Dane. Now can we get to the business of fulfilling your wishes? Such as the two wishes left for you to wish upon a star, right now. Because I’ve also other lamp owners waiting for their wishes to become true and I have to take care of them too, master. So please hurry up!”
“Why you impatient little mutt, why are you in such a hurry for? Why you rushing me?”
“Because master, you only have five minutes to decide what your wish is going to be and you’re down to your last 30 seconds. Or else I will disappear forever, and you won’t get your wish because it’s one of the rules….”
Thinking quickly I thought about the chick with this big juicy bubbly ass I saw earlier in the day walking behind her. But never saw her face as I was heading towards Mel’s diner for breakfast…..
“Okay you little shit, how about me getting some hot wet punani? Can I be between the legs of this woman I saw this morn…..”
Next thing I know I was inside a hot moist dark suffocating place. I felt full and wet. And then I was pulled out of the vagina by my tail. Yup, I couldn’t fucking believe it! I was a tampon! A flushable tampon. Because the next thing that happened as soon as I saw daylight, I was being flushed down the toilet. And yeah at least I saw her face as I was going around and around and around going down into the drain hole, she was definitely beautiful……
And just like that I was back sitting on my toilet seat. I was exactly where I left or disappeared or time traveled through the sewer system or whatever the fuck happened …..jesus christ, I got my wish alright, but damn…….
“So how was it, master?”
“You some funny motherfucker, aren’t you? You think that shit was funny, don’t you?” I said as I wiped my ass and flushed the toilet and got off of it and walked right up to the dog. My big right toe touching its tiny left toe. And the little sucker wasn’t even intimidated at all! Didn’t even budge but just craned its neck way up at me with that defiant cigar in its mouth.
“I hope you’re not threatening me because it will do you no good, master. I will simply disappear and you will not get your third wish. It is that simple. Either you wish your wish now or I will disappear before your blinking eyes. And besides, it wasn’t my fault the lady is having her period.” It said calmly and as a matter of fact……
Fable
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