I’m so sorry!!! Please forgive me. You’re hurting me Tom, please don’t kill me. He finally stopped and I felt like I could breathe again. I got up and noticed blood on my face. When will this nightmare end?
Tom and I have been married for almost 25 years and we both have issues with alcohol. It changes us. Suffering years of emotional abuse has changed me. I cannot handle most of anything mentally. This is one of the many episodes we have had over the years. This one had changed something inside of me. No more, I said to myself. We have one or two options and that is to seek counseling or end this tumultuous marriage. We chose counseling. Toms work schedule makes it nearly impossible to even see a counselor since he works 6 days a week. I take a few days to myself and reflect on our life together. See, Tom works out of state. It’s a 3-hour drive for me and I’m on probation for an incident 2-year prior. I’m not allowed to leave the state without a travel permit. I always do go through because if I don’t then I’ll be accused of not caring or wanting to help. He is the provider and I owe him. That is how I am made to feel.
It was a beautiful sunny day and we really wanted to ride Tom’s new motorcycle. Oh man, its beautiful and I truly love riding it. We went out to eat had a few drinks but for some reason when we returned to the hotel, it seemed that I had not had enough to drink. A lot of worries, concerns and bad memories on my mind. So, I chose to drink more. Tom realizes this and we began to argue and I black out and the last thing I remember was begging for him to stop hurting me. My son and daughter in law come pick me up. I’m safe for now.
We talk over the phone the next few days. I’m overwhelmed with guilt, anxiety, worry and just down right scared. I go back anyway. The first 2 days I’m there, he gets completely and utterly drunk. I’m not drinking at this time. I do however, clean up his messes and act like I’m not disappointed. Finally, we decide to go for another bike ride to one of our favorite pizzeria’s. He orders a drink, my favorite of course and I order lemon water. I said, “ well you would have to order my favorite drink here”. So, he orders me one. It takes me over an hour to finish this out of this world well crafted beer. We try and have a decent and civil conversation in regards to our dysfunctionality of a life. Some things were civil and we understood one another. When it came time to discuss the incident the previous week, I once again took sole and complete responsibility. I don’t really remember much but I always do this no matter the situation. It comes natural to me.
I told Tom that he really scared me and I thought he was going to kill me. His response, “you should have died, and you deserved what you got.” Something inside me broke mentally. I did something after that when we got back to the hotel plus drank too much. I was trying to numb the pain. I no longer wanted to feel anything ever again. Tom said he was calling the police and my probation officer so I left. I should have not been driving. I got pulled over and by the Grace of God this kind officer took me to a hotel where my daughter in law could come pick me up. I have never been so relieved and felt so much gratitude in my life until that night. There is someone who truly and without any judgement loves me and saved my life. That wonderful, kind, loving, merciful and forgiving being is God himself. I owe him everything and more.
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