Marriage. Love. Hope.
I hoped you would change. Each year that passed I tried. Tried to be better. Tried to be a supportive wife, loving wife. Motherhood got the best of me, but I never stopped giving you attention and love. Sensuality was always a priority. Still, that was never enough. Time and time again you chose somebody else. Always someone different. I turned a blind eye so many times, but still the need to change you. Finally I was done. Too much damage had been done. Still, you promised change and I believed you.
Things were great. You changed. You provided me with access to all you were, whenever I needed. You did everything I could have asked for to prove you were different. I forgave you and all was right. Our family was complete and content. Still a couple years later, you were back to your ways. This I could not forget. I could not forgive. I was blinded by trust. For the first time in 8 years I trusted you and you lied. You broke me.
Here I am, after 11 years of giving you everything I had, I am broken. I lay and think why I was never enough for you? Intelligence tells me it wasn’t me, my worth, it was you who was broken. Still the pain gnaws at me, ” why did you never change for me? why didn’t you fight for us?” I gave you opportunity to change, to grow, to find help, but although promises were made, none were completed. you lied time and time again and never seemed to care. I cried, and screamed, exercised extensively trying to out run the pain I had inside. I feel like my insides are running a million an hour and my body is just laying still, numb, dead. So I gather the strength and get on my bike and ride…. but still when I get home, the running inside is still on the treadmill and my body at sleep. I am going to explode. I am yearning change, I need change. Yet somehow I cannot gather the strength to leave. I sit here tonight, in my bed, alone, while you lay on the couch. As I write this with the kids upstairs asleep, I try to plan out my life, in everyway I never thought it would be. I am trying to continue, to move forward with the strength I didn’t think I needed. Now I know this isn’t new, this isn’t something out of the ordinary. People separate and divorce everyday. That doesn’t make it any harder on those that are going through the change. You imagined your life, your family, and it is OKAY to grieve that future that you no longer get to have. You WILL have a different future, just push forward through this present, this pain, and you will get there, we will get there, separate on our paths but together in our fight.
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