My heart is pounding in my chest, I can feel the panic set in. I’m anxious, uninviting, ready to lash out at any minute. STOP! I am screaming at it, begging for it to just STOP! It hurts, there are no words, I push and pull against myself. My skin is crawling, I feel sick. I am getting light headed now, I barely even noticed the change in my breath. I can feel the tightness in my chest, my heart rate drops down to almost nothing. It stops, for at least 20 seconds everything in the world just stops, it feels like forever. I loose all feeling, comfortably numb some would say. As fast as the speed of sound it all comes rushing back in, I can feel it now, the part that’s broken. I am broken, the part that made me who I am is organically changed forever. I have wrinkles in the very fabric of my very soul, the mirror reflects a stranger! I am outraged, a devastatingly tragic nightmare come to life. I have to grin and bare it, I have to try… I am done and undone at the seams, I am alone in my pain… Give me those moments back, help me connect the disconnected part of myself that only half way feels! I want to be real, I want to exist in the reality that is yours and everyone else’s. I don’t want to be going through the motions, like watching a really sad rom-com on LMN and I am stuffing my face with B&J because I prefer to eat my feelings then actually show that I have them. I am literally bending at the break, I recoil into myself, slip on that mask and smile. Because my pain would cripple you, like pink mist that’s all that would be left. I live with it, disconnected, barely a woman anymore, living & barely breathing, but with a half way loving mask. Because I’m not completely heartless, just halfway. For the part of me that’s still holding on, thank you! Thank you for letting the pain flow in and out like the waves of the ocean. For coping the only way you could by being half way conscious. Sometimes pain can be so great that you can barely survive it, you split yourself in two. The part that’s allowed to feel and the part that feels nothing at all. I started a garden for you, I planted all my thoughts in there with perennials. How fitting because this is an endless subject.
Undefined
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I really liked your piece. As the reader, I can really tell that the main character is struggling with a relationship of some sorts. I do suggest you turn your piece into a poem. You have some really nice allusions and choice of words here. If you are set on not having this piece as a poem, then I suggest to break this up into paragraphs. That way the reader can have a stopping point and take in what they have read so far.
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it! I was in a really rough spot when I wrote this my thoughts were scattered I was having horrible anxiety at the time and I felt like I needed to just word vomit it out! Expelling my inner demons! I will consider rewriting it in a different manner like you suggest…
I love the final line:
“I started a garden for you, I planted all my thoughts in there with perennials. How fitting because this is an endless subject.”
This lends to great imagery. You are very good at making the reader feel the emotion. You use a great deal of repetition and the way the words run together allows us to realize that you are in panic mode. This tactic is very good because it makes the situation you are writing about feel all the more real.