To me, suicide is a solution for when you need to lift everything off of your shoulders.
Because at one point in everyone’s life, everything is going to fall and crash. Most people can get back up, and strive. But, others get trapped inside of all the clutter. And they make a little space for themselves inside. And that, to me is how you die. Because, almost always…… No one can get out.
That’s what Happened, I fell in. And I made a room for myself….. Arranged my own funeral.
I didn’t just give up in the beginning, no one wants to die. I tried to get out of the room. Believe me!!
But every time I tried, it seemed like it kept getting dEeper and deeper. The more I tried to climb, the faster I was sinking. And the more I stood there waiting, the more tired I got.
To me– everything was hopeless, nothing good was going to ever happen.
I felt alone, constantly, I was always afraid.
And no matter how hard I tried to reach out for help no.. one was ever there. To me my only friend was the drugs, food, and the blades. That was what I reached out to when I was scared….alone… cold.
It might not make sense to you, and I don’t expect all of it to. Unless you’ve lived my life, walked around in my skin, you won’t really understand what it was like for me.
Sometimes, I was happy in my hoLe. I was…. Isolated– and in my own world. But other times it was horrible… I had created my own personal Hell, and I had to live in it every single day. From the moment, I woke up, to the time I was in falling asleep. Every minute in between that, I was burning.
I was trapped inside my mind, all that time.
I wasn’t safe anywhere. I heard once, “Give a dePressed man a gun, and he’ll blow his brains out”. But that’s not true, give a depressed man a gun, and my thoughts pull the trigger.
I wasn’t killing myself, my thoughts and emotions reactions to those thoughts were.
It’s impossible to kill yourself without suffering a great deal beforehand. And that’s what happens to make someone do that, they suffer.
I was suffering. Every day. The only tiMe I was in peace was when I was dreaming. I was in my own world. Where everything was good, peaceful. MY thoughts weren’t there. It was just me. In my own world, I was happy. That was my escape, I dream.
When you dream, you’re happy. You’re safe. And, nothing is wrong.
SomEone said “Suicide is a permeate solution to a temporary problem”.
But, that’s not true. Your thoughts never go away. For the rest of your life, they will be there. Haunting you like a ghost, until you’re dead. Suicide, would make the problem go away.
And you could be happy—you could finally be happy.
To me, suicide is a solution, for when you just can’t take it anymore. And I couldn’t—I couldn’t take it anymore, I was alone… And I was haunted by memories and thoughts. It all had just gotten to much.
-Justin Thorne
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I’ve been thinking about this post almost nonstop for a day. I don’t think you want to hear apologies, or receive pity, or sympathy. And unfortunately, I can’t empathize with you. I don’t understand what you’re going through. I wish I had any words at all to help or relate to you.
I’m sure you’re already aware of this resource, but even as a last resort, maybe reach out:
National Suicide Prevention hotline
1-800-273-8255
Please stay.
This poem is really good i love your work Justin, keep your head up and try to stay strong keep up the great work i love reading your poems they have great meaning