pardon me,
I allowed an abuser and rapist silence me
I was young maybe 13, manipulated for years
believed my voice was not powerful
not strong enough to get help, to escape
so maybe it is partially my fault for not speaking
or maybe it is not fair, nor a walk in the park,
going against your abuser
he was not the only man I let silence me
why did I stay silent? I do not know
it is a dangerous journey to experience
pardon me,
I allow my child’s father to abuse me throughout my pregnancy
his hands were so strong, I felt that he become my demise
he blamed me for time he was angry
I was terrified by him so I did anything he told me to do
if it meant being able to live and become a mother
I would never leave my son on this earth with him
when I finally escaped I went through hell and still live in fear
why did i silence myself for another ex boyfriend who fucked up my life
how do you look at life the same?
I cannot manage to speak on what I went through sometimes
is it weird I can with strangers or others who been through it
yet I cannot manage to communicate with family and friends about it
it is more simple to write about it
my mental health is a burden sometimes I feel useless
however, my son is my greatest blessing and keeps me going
everything I complete in life is for him
yet that does not mean that I am not broken
Journalistic Writing
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You are not alone, I had a similar childhood incident, it took me years until I was finally able to admit to myself that what happened to me was wrong, that it was not just in my head. Turned out, my abuser had more than one victim in the family, I was not the only one. It’s hard to admit to friends and family because if they have not been through the same thing, you fear judgement, like you are less of a person for what happened to you. Isn’t that ridiculous? When in fact it is the abuser, he is the monster. When I came to terms with what happened to me, I was first covered in shame, then anger, and then I had to learn to cope with my trauma, I had to remind myself that it’s in the past, and that it does not define me. I still have my bad days, but it’s a day to day battle. I learned to accept my scars and used them as a shield from all the negativity. You are beautiful, you are brave, you are strong and that is the truth. I can see that you have embraced your scars, you have not let the scars own you. keep up the writing.
Thank you that was so sweet I appreciate it so much really it’s nice to know I’m not the only person going thru this alone