Notice:: I’m putting the Prison series on hold. I’m just not feeling it at the moment. Sorry!
Chapter One
Hannah
As I scramble up the palm tree, the spikes dig into my hands, searching for a handhold, I try not to look down. I am terrified of heights. But we need these coconuts. We need to stock up before the animals get the rest. And Mich is too big to climb a small tree like this. He would practically make it topple over! So that leaves me. At least, I am the only one willing to do it. There are six of us. Jac (Jacob), Jos (Joshua), Mich (Michael), Sar (Sarah), Aly (Alyssa), and me (Hannah).
“Han! Don’t fall!” I hear Mich shout below me. “Also, hurry up! It’s nearly sunset!”
“I won’t,” I call back, and wince as another spike stabs into my palm as I move further up the tree. “Look out!” I reach for a coconut and it tumbles down to the ground past my face. I shake as many more loose as I can and quickly scramble down the tree. Mich is laying all the coconuts on the tarp and counting them.
“Nine, good work,” he praises. I am proud. Usually a trip will only bring back six or seven. He ties the tarp up around the coconuts and slings it over his shoulder. Mich is twenty-two, by far the oldest out of all of us. He has light brown hair, dark green eyes, and muscles are clear through his torn shirt.
“We better get back before dark. Jos has spotted a panther a few times,’ I say. Mich nods. We pick up the pace. Camp is barely a mile away, but we have to go the long way around the jungle. Sand squishes beneath my feet. It gets in between my toes as I kick up a flurry of it. Mich glances at me through the corner of his eye and I can see a smile forming on his lips, which are scabbed over. A scar runs across both lips from our first night here. Not that I spend a lot of time looking at his lips, though. It is hard to stay in good spirits nowadays. You know, trying to survive, and all. We are all stuck here because of some terrorist attack on a cruise ship. Soon we reach Camp. It is a small hut made out of logs stacked together, mended with leaves that were pressed into a pulp and stuffed in between the cracks to keep warmth in. And predators out. I am exhausted as we crawl through a space in the logs for exiting and entering. Mich crawls in after me and pulls the bag of coconuts in. Sar and Jac are on guard. Jos and Aly are asleep on a bed of fronds. Mich dumps the bag of coconuts in a dug-out in the corner, where we store all our food. Aly wakes up and looks to us.
“How many?” she asks.
“Nine,” I reply proudly. She smiles, her teeth surprisingly white. All we do is rinse our mouths and chew on mint leaves.
“Tomorrow Jac and I will go to the Spring,” Aly says. “To find more fish.” I nod, and Aly looks to Mich for approval. He is the oldest out of us, and the one in charge. I am merely nineteen, Aly seventeen, Jos eighteen, Jac seventeen, Sar twenty, Mich twenty-two. Sar is second in charge. Speaking of Sar, she has just crawled in.
“Aly, switch with me. I need to rest, and so does Han,” she looks to me. I am still out of breath from climbing the tree. “Jos will switch with Jac when he wakes.”
Aly gets up and crawls out through the hole. Despite the efforts to keep warm (sealing the wall, tied-together-frond-blankets, etc.), it is freezing in the cabin. I huddle next to Jos and Mich lays next to me on the fronds, a vain attempt at warmth. Sleep comes easy. We have been doing this for three months now. We have only lost one person, Samantha, who was badly injured in the attack. A bullet through her gut and a shard of glass in her leg. She bled out just as we reached shore. We left her body to float in the ocean. I dream about her. She was my best friend from college. But, disaster brings death. When I wake, it is dark outside. There is a cold emptiness where Jos was. He is on guard. Jac is on the other side of Mich, and I scoot closer to the wall. I listen to the noises of the outside. Hoots and howls and various growls. I listen to the crickets chirps. They always calmed me. I remember listening to them in my room in Florida. Home… It’s been so long since I had even thought of home. I glance at Mich over my shoulder and slowly crawl over him and Jac. I need some fresh air. I accidentally knock into Sar’s arm as I crawl over her. She grunts, but does not wake. I slip out of the cabin. Jos and Aly are patrolling, walking around the cabin while we sleep. I sneak past them and onto the open beach. The beach helps me focus. I take off my sandals and kick the sand around. I relax as it fills the crevices in between my toes. Someone taps my shoulder and I whip around. It is Sar.
“Sleep,” is all she says. I nod and follow her back to the cabin, grabbing my sandals on the way. My ratty blonde hair is caked with sand. Tomorrow I will bathe in the Pond. We all bathe there. Sar has dark brown hair and striking blue eyes. She has dimples when she smiles, if ever. She has a bit of wiry muscle on her limbs, and is always serious. Before I know it, it is morning. Aly is asleep beside me. Some of her nearly-white-blonde hair is on my face. I wipe it off. She travels later with Jac to the Spring, where we get our fish from. It is most likely I have either day patrol or night patrol. It was one of my nights to rest. I think Mich and Sar are on morning patrol. I believe Jos is attempting at catching crabs on the beach. I slowly get up, careful not to disturb Aly and Jac. I grab a coconut from the Pit and crawl outside. I find our Coconut Rock and slam the coconut down, over and over, until it breaks. It has gotten easier over the past few months. I drink the sweet milk and eat the meat. Coconut is amazing. I am not full, we never are, but I dare not grab any other food. Food is scarce, as you would expect it to be. Sar approaches.
“You shouldn’t wander on your own like that,” she says, although her tone is not scolding. Sar is amazing that way. She is not scolding, yet authoritative. She is gentle and understanding.
“I’m sorry,” I say, as I peel the last scraps of meat from the coconut shell. We will use it later to store water.
“We all need space, I know. But you could’ve gotten attack,” she says, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You have night watch tonight.” I knew it. I hate night watch. It is the most dangerous time. You feel so alone, everyone except you and the other patrol is asleep. But I have grown accustomed to nature. If we ever get rescued, I’m not sure how I would live without the thrill of running from a predator or sinking a stone into a rabbit’s heard. It is a part of me now. I nod, heading over to a barrel full of rain water. I rinse my mouth, chew on a few mint leaves, and rinse my mouth again. I grab a scrap of cloth we use as towels. I head down to the Pond. Quickly, I bathe, rubbing mint leaves under my armpits and other areas that need cleaning. Quickly, I stuff back on the same clothes I have worn for three months. We do not have any more clothes, other than the ones on our backs. But, occasionally, the girls would switch shirts and pants, and the boys would do the same. The shirt I wear at the moment belonged to Sar, who is older and bigger, so the shirt is way too big for me. It is a few inches too long. And the neck of the shirt is so long, I have to tie the straps together in the back. I hurry back to Camp. Mich is sharpening a stone dagger with another piece of stone. He has a row of three daggers beside him. Making new weapons. I sit next to him on the log and begin sharpening a dagger. It is a slow process, but worthwhile if we will be better protected in the end. We sit in silence, I listen to his steady, heavy strikes on the stone. Compared to my uneven, light strikes, I am an amateur.
“Han,” he says finally.
“Hm?” I say.
“Sar wants to meet you on the beach in a bit,” he says. “Once you finish that dagger.” I hurry up with my strikes, putting all my strength into it. Sweat pours down my neck. Mich stops me as I make it into a dull point.
‘I’ll finish it,” he says to my red face, glistening with sweat. Sweat bees buzz around our heads. I swat them away, and nod my thanks. Sar is waiting for me, two bananas next to her. Bananas are rare, so it must be important. I smile and sit next to her.
“I have summoned you here to tell you something very important,” she says. That’s Sar for you. Straight to the point. “Mich and I have decided upon a quest to scout the island.”
“Why tell me, then?” I ask.
“You and Mich will go,” she explains.
“Me!?” I ask. She nods. “Why?”
“I cannot go, I have a camp to run. You and Mich seem to work well together, plus, you are technically third in command,” Sar says.
“When?” I reply.
“A week,” she responds. “Get ready.” She hands me a banana, takes hers, and walks away. I am left to process it on my own. It had never truly occurred to me that I was third in command. Or that me and Mich worked well together. Do we? If Sar says we do, it must be true. But we had never ventured far from Camp. We had only gone far enough to collect food and other vital resources. I eat the banana and walk back to Camp. Mich is still working on the daggers. I decide I must sleep before patrol. But I cannot sleep. What dangers lay beyond the Camp? I feel a certain curiosity, urging me to find out. I must find out. I will go. It’s not like I had a say in the first place. What Mich and Sar say goes. That is the rule. When I finally get some sleep, it is nearly dark. I crawl out of the cabin. We have sharpened sticks, stone daggers, and one gun, which we salvaged from the wreck. The gun is running out of bullets. Jos says he will make some more out of stone. I hope so. A spear or a dagger wouldn’t do much good against a panther. As I take my weapons and begin the patrol, Jac and Aly are walking back. They have smiles on their faces.
“How many?” I ask.
“Seven!” Jac says enthusiastically. We have been lucky lately. We have. Mich, fully rested, is now patrolling with me. He crawls out just after Aly and Jac have crawled in. I acknowledge him with a nod and begin to pace around the cabin, scanning the surrounding area. Each person only does night guard every three days. I look out into the wild jungle. It scares me. It is truly dangerous. Luckily, night guard goes smoothly without any disturbances. I can tell Mich is tired. I am, too. The sun is finally rising. Aly and Jos crawl out to take our places. Once again, I curl up next to the wall. I soon feel Mich’s warmth beside me. Sleep is not as easy as before. Thoughts fill my head about the world beyond Camp. Are there new fruits? New prey? New… predators? I feel butterflies flitting around in my chest. I turn to see someone’s eyes on me. It is Mich. We are face-to-face now.
“Thinking about it too, huh?” he says. His breath smells like mint. I nod.
“Come on,” he grabs my wrist and we crawl out of the cabin. The sun has nearly fully risen. I stop for a moment, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the sudden burst of light. Mich tugs on my arm to keep going. He leads me into the jungle. I gulp, and glance around nervously. We stop in a small clearing. There are rocks and flowers.
“This is where I go to think,” Mich says.
“I just go to the beach,” I reply with a small smile. Smiles are rare nowadays.
“Whatever works for you,” he says as he pulls himself up onto a tall rock, and reaches out a hand for me. I take it and he pulls me up beside him.
“This too high?” Mich asks. He knows me so well.
“No,” I say. We are only a few feet off the ground.
“Are you nervous? For the trip, I mean,” Mich asks. I nod.
“We’ll be fine,” he reassures. I smile out of the corner of my mouth and jump of the rock, landing easily on my feet.
“I know,” I say as I walk away. My hair is once again a tangled mess. My eyes are a dull blue-green. I head to the Pond and wash my hair, running my hands through it to smooth the tangles. There are a lot. I tear a skinny strip from Sar’s shirt and use it to tie my hair in a ponytail. I hear Mich calling a meeting and hurry back. Everyone is huddled around our small fire that we made with Jos’s glasses. I join them. The sun is once again beginning to set, but Jac’s watch barely says five o’clock. I will take afternoon guard.
“As some of you may know,” Mich begins. He is standing in front of us, his hair wind-blown. “Sar and I have decided upon a scouting mission around the island.” His eyes fall on me.
“Who’ll go?” Aly asks eagerly.
“Han and myself,” he says. All eyes fall on me. “Sar will be in charge while we’re gone.”
“Meeting dismissed. They leave in a few days,” Sarsays immediately. I take my post as afternoon patrol and begin walking around the premises. It is all going well until I see the eyes. They are slanted, glowing green. Panther eyes. Before I can raise the alarm, it pounces. I fall to the ground. The panther is thrashing, it’s claws searching for my throat. I let out a strangled cry as the panther sinks a claw into my arms. I stab the panther in the shoulder with my dagger. He staggers for a moment, and pounces again. My spear is a few feet away, just out of my reach. Mich comes running. He sinks his spear deep into the panther’s back. So deep, I am worried it will go through the panther and stab me. The panther goes limp on top of me. I let out another cry. Mich rolls the panther off of me and helps me up. Blood rolls off my arm from the claw wound. Once the adrenaline fades, the pain kicks in. Tears roll down my face.
“Are you okay?” Mich asks. Hearing the commotion, Sar, Jac, Jos and Aly join us. I shake my head and point to my arm. It throbs like a second heartbeat. Mich pulls me into the cabin. He applies pressure to the wound. When it stops bleeding, he applies a slave of mashed up leaves and herbs. Mich then tears a strip from his shirt for a bandage.
“Rest,” he orders.
I try to rest, I do. But every time I close my eyes I see the panther slashing at me, and how bad the result could’ve been. Jos is shaking me awake.
“You were screaming,” he says.
“Sorry,” I reply.
“No need to be sorry,” Aly says, and looks at me sympathetically. Mich, Sar, and Jac are patrolling. It is nearly light outside. I chew on my lip. The pain in my arm has dulled slightly. I crawl out of the cabin, wincing slightly. Mich is standing outside the door.
“Does your arm hurt?” he asks. He is holding the gun in his hands.
“Hm,” I say. A smile spreads across my chapped lips. He smiles back and pats my shoulder. “I’m still going, right?”
“Depends if you’re up for it,” he replies.
“I am,” I say quickly.
“Then you are,” Mich says with a hearty laugh. In these moments he seems so much older than he actually is. I head down to the beach. It is six days until we set out. I walk further down the beach, trying not to think of Samantha’s lifeless body floating out to sea. I shudder at the thought. I spot a palm tree up ahead. Ripe bananas hang from the top, telling me to harvest them. I peel the bandage off my arm and examine the wound. It’s not too deep. I stretch and flex my arm until I feel comfortable climbing with it. It is merely sore, I should be fine. I grab a spike and haul myself up. Te spike digs into my pam, and I feel a trickle of blood from where it punctured the tender flesh. I quickly scale the tree, knocking the bananas down. I scurry down the tree and take the bananas back to Camp. After dumping my load in the Pit, I retrace my steps to grab the bandage. I fasten it on just before Sar walks over.
“You okay?” she asks, kicking at the sand.
“Yeah. The cut isn’t deep, the muscle’s just a bit sore. I should be good to go for the trip,” I report.
Sar nods and walks away. I pick big leaves from bushes and bring them back to Camp for better bedding. No one is in the cabin, they’re all either working or patrolling. I am hungry. I haven’t eaten anything since the banana the previous day. I crack open a coconut and drink the sweet milk, and eat the meat. Mich crawls into the cabin and sleeps. I realize I am tired, too, so I curl up next to him. It is warm during the day. I scoot away from him a bit to keep myself from sweating.
It is morning again. Another normal day. My arm feels much better and is healing fast, due to the salve. Five more days. Then our, three, two. It is the day before. My arm is anew. I am putting days worth of food for Mich and I in fur packs. We tied them together to seal it. As I tie them off, Mich walks in, followed by Aly, Jos, Jac and Sar.
“You two sleep tonight,” Sar orders. She then turns to Aly, who’s brown eyes are sparkling with excitement. “You and Jac sleep. Jos and I will guard.”
While Aly and Jac slept, Mich and I talked the rest of the day until it was time to sleep.
It is morning.
“If we don’t make it back, you and Sar are in charge,” I hear. It is Mich.
If we don’t come back?
“You better come back,” replies a tearful voice. Jac.
“We’ll try our best,” Mich says reassuringly.
I peek open my eyes. Jac is gone. I get to my feet. Mich looks at me, and manages a small smile. He has tears in his eyes.
“Ready?” he asks.
I nod. It is time to go.
I’ve been working on this for awhile. I left it alone for a few days because I thought I was rushing it a bit. What do you think? Your feedback is always appreciated!
Realistic Fiction
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I think this is an excellent start. There is a good balance of character, backstory and action. I thought I’d get lost in character names for sure, but you do a good enough job of making the characters unique that I keep track of them (most of the time. Jac and Jos are hard.) A lot of openings are either too focused on worldbuilding or too focused on in-the-moment action, and you’ve managed to include both here. Nice job on the details and imagery too. I found myself really liking Hannah as a protagonist, especially — weirdly — how detached she was when describing Samantha’s death.
My only two concerns are minor and may be problems you’ve anticipated or included intentionally. For one, is there a time crunch or large, looming threat? These young people have been on this island for months and seem to have something of a routine. Are they in immediate danger of running low on supplies? Will the terrorists come back? Is there wildlife looming nearby that are about to strike? The impending trip into the wilderness provides some drama and suspense (though the reason for it felt very “because-I-said-so”) but for now it almost seems like these six people could go on doing their thing for a while and that seems odd to me. I’d also like to see a little more hesitation sending Hannah on the trip after she gets attacked by the panther. Maybe there’s something about her other than her connection to Mich that makes her valuable?
And as for the other thing, it’s minor: I thought that Sar’s dialogue came off as a little unnatural, but that might just be her character…
Can’t wait to read more!
The main threat makes an appearance in some of the later chapters that I will be uploading soon. I see what you are thinking, and I’m glad you pointed this out, because I had not noticed it!
I realized I had not addressed all your concerns in my previous reply, so I will now! The reason there wasn’t much hesitation about sending Hannah after she got attacked was mainly two-three reasons; 1. Mich knows Hannah is strong, due to her tragic past (will be uploaded in the future) 2. If Mich goes, Hannah has to go, they are partners 3. Everyone else has other jobs.
Also, Sar’s character is a bit odd. She acts much older than twenty!
You might be surprised how much I enjoyed answering this. It gave me something to think about, and I absolutely loved answering your question and concerns! Thank you so much, and don’t be afraid to comment again in the future!
What was your inspiration for this awesome piece? 🙂
I was watching this movie about the end of the world where the polar ice caps melted. A few days later I was just sitting in my living room, watching tv, and a scene popped into my head. I began to form a story around the scene. The scene was when Hannah was climbing the palm tree. I remember imagining the spikes digging into her palm, and I had rushed to get my computer.