I put on my long black dress, sweeping cape, and pointy hat. Black was my favorite color, so I was going as a witch this Halloween. I carried a single black rose in one hand and my jack-o-lantern candy basket in my other hand. I was going trick-or-treating! I had a sneaking feeling that this night would turn out to be a most adventurous one!
As soon as I was out the door, I heard my new neighbor calling out to me, “Clarissa, should we go trick-or-treating together?”
“Sure,” I called back, “Look, we’re both going as witches!” The only difference was that Chelsea had decided to carry a broomstick in one hand. I wished I had thought of that myself. Anyways, I was glad for the company as it was getting dark very quickly tonight. The glowing full moon looked brilliant.
We wandered the streets of our neighborhood collecting lots of candy until our feet began to ache. “Maybe we should take a little break, Chelsea,” I sighed. “I can’t walk anymore either,” she said,”Here, let’s get on my broom!”
“What?,” I asked puzzled, but Chelsea was already astride her stick, so I decided to humor her by getting on behind her. Suddenly I heard a swoosh, and we were taking off up in to the sky! I shrieked with utter shock. I had never been more frightened in my entire life. “How is this even possible?,” I yelled. “Don’t worry, Clarissa. My broom has magical powers. I myself am from a long ancestry of good witches and I promise to keep you safe. Now just hang on tight and enjoy the ride!,” Chelsea instructed. I had no other choice, so I did as I was told. I found myself relaxing as we soared up higher in to the dark clouds at a smooth, even pace. “Where are we going?,” I asked. “You’ll see,” Chelsea only smiled as my heart started to pound again.
We halted atop a thick gray cloud. We both stepped off the broomstick. Beyond the misty haze, I saw a quaint cottage. As we walked up the pathway, a lady appeared from the doorway to greet us. “Good evening, Aunt Zelda! I’ve brought along a friend with me tonight, Clarissa.” I could only look on in bewilderment. Aunt Zelda greeted us warmly and invited us to come inside her home on a cloud beside the moon.
To my amazement, the inside of the cottage was actually pretty well lit and furnished. The large windows gave us a view of the world we had just left behind us. “Thank you for bringing your friend over tonight on my favorite night of the year. I always want to prove to people of Earth that ones like us are not to be feared. We may be different, but we mean no harm,” Aunt Zelda explained soothingly. “I can see that you girls are tired from your evening of trick-or-treating and broom riding. I have just the thing to help us all relax.”
Before I knew it, Aunt Zelda had whizzed into the kitchen and returned with steaming cups of tea for everyone. I apprehensively watched the others sip from their own cups before I took a taste from my own. It had a very pleasant aroma and flavor, a lot like mint chocolate.
I began to ease in their company. I felt like I had a million questions to ask, but did not want to sound impolite just yet. I did gather up enough courage though, to ask if I could have a little tour of this small but enchanting looking cottage. Aunt Zelda immediately obliged and stood up to show me around.
The first room we entered looked to be a Magic Spell Room. I saw a crystal ball at the center of the table surround by Tarot cards. There were colorful cushions and fabric throws to sit around on. The room was only lit by candle light. It was slightly spooky. “This crystal lights up and shows me when I am about to have company flying over,” Aunt Zelda demonstrated by picking up the translucent ball. I could see my neighborhood kids still trick-or-treating as I gazed in to the ball. It reminded me that I was starting to feel homesick, being thousands of miles away from my own home.
Aunt Zelda seemed to sense my melancholy. So the next room she took me into was a much brighter one. It was the Magic Act Room. It looked like a mini theater with a stage in the center. A Magician wearing a top hat and carrying a wand stepped out.
“Well hello there little girls. How lovely to see you!,” he cried. “I am here to grant our guest one spectacular wish tonight.” I didn’t know what to wish for. Then I suddenly thought of something that made my mood lift up.
I looked down at my black costume. I was still gripping my black rose and candy basket tightly. I had somehow managed not to scatter my belongings through the sky as I was sailing up. Now my costume looked morose in this fascinating cottage. I looked at Chelsea and the magician as I smiled. “Can you turn me into a fairy princess instead of a witch for the rest of Halloween tonight?,” I pleaded. “Absolutely!” The magician waved his magic wand. Tiny stars started to swirl around me. I looked down and found that I was wearing a beautiful gown like Cinderella. I beamed with joy!
“Don’t you look just beautiful!,” Aunt Zelda exclaimed. “But there is one more place that I’d like to show you that I think you might like.” She led us to a floor to ceiling bookcase out in the hallway. She gave it a little push and the bookcase started to turn. It was a secret passageway that led us to the back of the cottage. We stepped out into a scenic forest. I looked around and saw adorable animals that I had only seen in Disney movies before. There were reindeer, unicorns and flying dragons! I had to stop and pet each and every one of them. They seemed to be so friendly and tame.
After a while with the animals, I reluctantly followed the others back in to the house through the secret passage. I could have stayed out there all night. Aunt Zelda brought us into the warm kitchen where she had been baking apple pie. Chelsea and I savored each sweet bite after our long evening out. Her aunt also filled our baskets with treats of all kinds as we prepared to go home.
Once we were out on the front porch, I looked at Chelsea’s wooden broomstick leaning against the door. Although, it had been a thrilling ride, I was a bit hesitant to get back on that rickety old thing. Sensing my hesitation yet again, Aunt Zelda offered us a ride down on her flying dragons! She assured us that they would know exactly where to go. This time, we each got to ride one on our own. I felt the same excitement of flying as I had when I had finally relaxed on the broom. We turned to thank Aunt Zelda one last time and wave as we descended down to our city.
The flying dragons dropped us in front of our house, then flew back to where they came from. I remembered my manners and hurriedly thanked Chelsea for a most eventful evening. I gave her a big hug. Oh yes, she was definitely going to be my new BFF and the coolest neighbor ever! I ran inside my house quickly before my mom started to get worried. “Hey honey, how was trick-or-treating?,” she called from the living room. “It was fantastic. I went with the new girl,” I called back.
“Weren’t you going as a witch this year?,” Mom asked, stepping out to examine me. I didn’t know what to tell Mom so I started to get nervous again. I hated telling fibs, but it was too soon to reveal everything tonight.
“Chelsea and I have become really good friends, Mom!,” I said cheerfully. “Well that’s wonderful. Her family seems to be really interesting,” Mom smiled, assuming that I had probably borrowed the elegant dress from her. “You look so pretty that I just have to take a picture. Tomorrow, we’ll go over and meet her parents.”
“That should be another adventure if her parents are anything like her aunt,” I thought to myself. I entered my room and thought about how interesting this Halloween had turned out to be. I had also made a new unique and special friend. It was the best one I had ever had, with such an unforgettable adventure.
That night, I went to bed dreaming about flying and magic and treats and dragons!
Fairy Tales
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I think you’ve composed a really solid fantasy piece that I could see as an entertaining chapter book for youth. I like how you opened the piece with the girl preparing to get dressed in costume which immediately lets the reader know it’s either Halloween or a party as the setting. The transition of going from trick-or treating to this witch’s cottage in the clouds was really smooth and organic, but I thought you could have described the house as maybe “petite but enchanting looking cottage” instead of small, or another exaggerated synonym. I thought there were a few occasions where there could have been more advanced, descriptive language. The sequence of the story was well thought out.
Here are a few things I noticed:
1. “How is this even possible?,” I yelled.
It’s not necessary in this case to also use a comma with the question mark.
2. She assured us that they would know exactly where to go. This time, we each got to ride one on our own. —- you say this time we each get to ride our own [dragon], implying the character has ridden it before, yet this seems to be the first time she’s visiting.
3. Aunt Zelda brought us into the warm kitchen where she had been baking apple pie.
I feel like she should be making slug sandwiches or something kind of bizarre since she’s a witch in this fantasy land.
4. Use indentations to begin new paragraphs to make it easier for the reader.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much for taking the time out and critiquing my work in detail so that I know exactly what changes to make. This story was originally written by me for an October competition on Storybird. I think you might be a professor or great author yourself. I am just in the beginning stages of writing, although it’s a passion I’ve always had. I always look forward to feedback so that I know where I am at. Thanks once again, I am very grateful for your advice.