Lily you have this quality that some people would probably find extremely irritating, oddly enough I’m not one of those people. When we take a drive to go get coffee or even to go to the store you would do this thing where you flip through all of the saved stations on the radio constantly because you can’t decide on a song. If you know the song you stop, sing it until you don’t know any more of the lyrics, and then flip to the next one. What makes that as noteworthy as it is that you laugh and smiles in between each song because you know how crazy it makes me. But you do it because it’s who you are Lily, and looking back that’s the moment that made me realize that I wanted to marry you.
Lily you are a person that drives so many people crazy, but what they are reluctant to see is how completely and utterly impeccable you actually are, and I can attest to that because that’s the reason that I lost you. Besides your obsession of changing radio stations, Lily you do this thing when you drink a sip of your coffee, your eyes light up like fireworks on the Fourth of July. In my opinion, I don’t even think it’s because of the coffee, it’s just because of the happiness you find in drinking the coffee. Lily you have this ability to find love, happiness, and light in every small little thing that you have in life and it’s just honestly so pure.
Now, I’ve dated quite a variety of girls in my early days and I have quite a list of friends who are girls, but Lily man you can’t compare to anyone else. When you look at your eyes you can see everything, it’s like your speaking through them even when no words are coming out of your mouth. You have this ability to tell a story, even stories that haven’t been written yet, and it just made me fall even further in love with her. Personally, I think the best story that your eyes tell is the story where I lost her, because I haven’t been able to live with myself since. I’ve thought about trying to fix it, I think about it every single day. But, I think that I will only make it worse if I tell you that I have feelings for her and that I really messed up.
It’s about early May now, a year since we’ve spoken no more than five words to each other. In this past year, I’ve seen you’ve seen you three times, and each time is harder than the last because when I look in your eyes I know I can’t take back what I did. What I did I think it’s unforgivable, but my friends tell me that I shouldn’t let it stop me from trying to get you back. I just don’t think I could ever live with myself if you knew the actual truth of why I broke your heart. No one knows the real story though, not even you Lily. Outsiders think that I cheated on you, my friends think it’s because I didn’t want a serious relationship at the time, and then you, Lily, I don’t even know what you think. But, I walked away from you, Lily because I couldn’t be there for her when you needed me most. I was too scared, too in love and I let that fear drive me away from the best thing that would ever happen to me, and because of that I don’t deserve you.
Your twin sister Marigold was bright as the sun, a true lion full of bravery encompassing a world of love and passion just like you did every day. When people think of siblings the common themes that usually come to mind relate to fighting over clothes, throwing things at each other, and gossiping over boys, but that wasn’t the case with you and Marigold. You guys were two flowers in a garden, helping each other grow as people, never failing to be there for each other, and the true definition of best friends. That day that you told me Marigold was missing is pure punishment that I deserve, because it makes me think of you and how I failed to be there for you.
It was a Tuesday, I was at work and didn’t have my phone on. At this point in our relationship, we were just beginning to get to know each other. We went on a total of two dates, but facetimed every night and talked every second of the day that we could. When I got off my shift at five o’clock, I had ten missed calls, and a few texts from you asking for me to come over. At that moment, I didn’t hesitate, I drove right over to your house. I pulled into the driveway and you came out. The looked as white as a ghost, and as shattered as a glass hitting the floor. Tears ran down your face like droplets of water running off a plastic cup of coffee in the hot summer heat. You didn’t say anything at first, so I just stood there in the driveway and held you and I didn’t want to let you go. It took some time, but you finally managed to take a breath, and I was able to wipe the tears off of her cold, frail cheeks as you sniffled. I looked into your eyes, and Lily I knew something wasn’t right. But, what scared me more was that I didn’t know if I was going to be able to handle what you were going to tell me.
Lily, even though you and I just started getting to know each other I knew more than I knew about any other girlfriend or friend that. I knew that you; hated to have unread messages on her phone, you never could purposely hurt someone, you struggled to share her feelings with people, you faced anxiety every single day, you couldn’t help but put before yourself and you can’t live with your sister. I knew that you were is pure as a glass of water, a delicate passionate flower, and that scared me because I didn’t want to ever let you down. What felt like standing outside for a lifetime was only five minutes, and you took me inside. We laid down on the couch, and at that point I still didn’t know what was wrong, just that something was simply that, wrong.
After a few hours, you managed to stop crying and was able to finally talk to me. I knew from previous conversations that Marigold, your sister was spending the summer in Arizona, and some of that time she was spending it on the mountains. You said that Marigold’s harness broke and that it was a search mission, but they don’t intend to find her alive because of the location where they found her harness. You didn’t really have any other information besides that, it was just a waiting game until they found her alive, or they found a body.
Lily, I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know what to say or what I shouldn’t say so I just held you. You didn’t even have to ask I was going to spend the night no matter what you said. You finally fell asleep, and I just laid there with you in my arms, thinking of how I wasn’t going to be able to be there for you. So, what I did was left during the night without any explanation. That next day you called me, texted me, tried to facetime me, but I just didn’t answer you because I knew that I couldn’t be there for you. Weeks started flying by faster than a plane from California to Maine, and I, myself was struggling to see the next day. I would wake up every day knowing that I let you down because, I was too afraid to become vulnerable and be there for you.
In the past year, Lily we’ve seen three times, and each time you just look at me. By looking at your eyes, I know that you are trying to hide the pain I caused you and that you have actual hatred in your heart for me. I think what breaks me, the most inside is that Lily you are the only one out there for me, but I’ll never deserve you because I was selfish. Even though I can’t bear myself to speak to you I still ask around about you sometimes. Recently, someone told me that they never found Marigold’s body even after months of looking so they ruled it an accidental death. Someone else told me that you’ve been seeing someone, and I know that you aren’t happy with him because again your eyes tell it all. But, Lily I know that I wouldn’t make you any happier. From the First Moment of Springsteen, Lily I fell in love with you. But, from that first moment of real life, obstacle with you I failed you, and more so failed myself, because I promised my mother I would never hurt someone like my father hurt her.
If you’re reading this Lily, and one day I hope you do. I love you.
Love, Jacob.
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