I try to talk to my mom, about how I feel
But I can never get the words to come out.
I get so emotional.
She tells me, Live your life to be happy
Be happy, try to be happy
Work hard to be happy
Why can’t you just wake up and be happy
Mom, I can’t be happy
It’s not a choice to be happy
It’s not a choice I just can make
How can someone be happy when they feel trapped?
When they feel scared to wake up
To look in the mirror
To take a shower
And see someone that’s not, them
My mom tells me to live my life to be happy,
But she just doesn’t understand
She tells me, at 18 I can do what I want, BE who I want
BUT mom, you don’t understand, I might not make it to 18
Hell, I don’t even know if I can make it to 17 anymore
She says she knows what it’s like, how it feels to be my age,
But mom, it’s not just my age, or my school, or my companions
It’s my body!
It’s who I am that keeps me down
It’s not the future I’m worried about,
Its now, because I don’t even know if I’m going to have a future anymore
Hell, I don’t even know if I’ll have a family, so what’s the point
You told me yourself, if cutting the people out who don’t except me has to happen then let it happen, even if it means losing your mother
Outside I was fine, but inside I was screaming
How could the one person I trusted the most with this just abandon me
You don’t understand the pain I feel when I think about having no family
Having no one there to help me
Hell, even my own brother told me that at 18 he’ll cut me out
My best friend.
And sometimes my only friend.
I’m not changing who I am.
I’m fixing my appearance to mirror who I am in the inside
Because right now, my mirror is broken
And all everyone is doing, is walking on the broken pieces making it harder to fix
I dream, and hope that its not to broken to be fixed.
But, I feel like to many pieces have been lost. -Justin Thorne
Poetry
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Find someone in your life that you can talk to who will not just make statements about being happy, but really understand how you feel and the reasons why you are feeling the way you do. It never helped me to be told to get over how I felt. It always made things worse. I began opening to other people, sometimes on the outside, that I trusted and they listened. I also had to listen to myself. I realized that I did not like myself very much. I talked to myself very negatively, which was not very helpful either. I am now taking steps every day to practice self-care. Took years to convince myself that I deserved such a thing as self-care, but I realized that throughout the years, I suffered greatly, and I deserved to feel better and get better. I deserved to enjoy life just as much as the next person, and with that, I began my journey to recovery. I hope that you begin it too.
This is a beautiful poem. There are people out there who will understand you, but sometimes you can feel so alone. You captured that very well. Just remember you are not every truly alone. Lovely poem. Be you. And you are right, you can’t simply be happy. That is tough, for me it takes therapy and medication, but it helps. Best wishes to you sincerely! Great piece!