As 17 year old Alex Grey was walking down the street of Hidden Creek, a flash blared past her. She looked up from her phone startled and looked around. Everything look normal except for a young man, hunched over, gasping for air. He was muscular and wearing a grey long-sleeved shirt and black cargo pants. He was wearing a pair of worn down Nikes which looked almost as if smoke was coming off from them. His hair was long and had a silver color to it. Alex put her phone into her backpack and walked over to him. “Hey.” She said as she placed her hand on his shoulder. He turned and looked up quick with terrified eyes. “Woah hey it’s okay. I’m Alex.” She stuck her hand out but he just looked at it confused. She reached out and took his hand. It was ice cold. She looked into his eyes and he stared back into hers. She couldn’t seem to look away. They were deep and she felt something inside her chest tighten. “Who are you?” The man interlocked his fingers into hers and closed his eyes for a moment. “Let me show you something.” Alex was taken back by his the way he spoke. His words were few but he spoke them as if he were reading poetry. He picked her up and put her on his back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his torso. She closed her eyes and thought about what was happening. What am I doing? I don’t even know this man yet I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. “Hold on.” He took a sharp breath and then broke off into a spirt. Alex’s heart was pounding so hard she thought it was going to burst out of her chest. She opened her eyes slowly and she couldn’t make out anything around her. The world was blurring by so fast. She tightened her grip and burried her face into his shirt. They had only been moving for what seemed a few seconds when everything stopped. Nothing was moving and all was quiet. She peeked open her eyes once more and looked around. She was on top of a large white building over looking the city of Greece. The sun was setting on the ocean and the sky was painted thousands of shades of pink and orange. She stumbled back when he set her back down onto her feet. He walked over to the edge of the building and sat down with his legs hanging over the edge. She walked over and sat next to him. “I know you. I don’t know how but I do.” He closed his eyes and held her right hand once more. “You haven’t always been Alex. You were Zoë a long time ago. And you were the love of my life.” He said as he looked over and locked eyes with her again. Tears were starting to pool up in his bright blue eyes. “I met you in this very spot,” he said looking back out to the sunset, “and you were like nothing I have ever seen. I was young. I had just figured out what I had become and I was so scared. I was running as fast and as far as I could go until I couldn’t go any farther. I was sobbing and couldn’t hold myself together. I had no idea who or what I was. I was a freak. A monster.” Alex had tears streaming down her face as she hung onto every word he said. He gripped her hand tighter and took a deep breath. “I took off my shoes and threw them as far as I could off this roof. I fell to my knees with nothing but hate and pain in my heart.” He paused again. “Until,” he looked back into Alex’s eyes with tears breaking down his cheeks, “I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there you were. With your long hair so black it’s blue and your eyes so grey they’re clear. You were wearing black leather pants and a leather jacket. You held my gaze for what felt like days when you said, ‘You are not a freak Zach.'” Zach stopped talking and waited for her response. Alex opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She took a deep breath as another tear fell from her eye. “I had telepathy didn’t I?” His eyes grew wider and seemed to grow a little birghter. “Yes. And telekinesis.” She stood up and walked with her hands holding her hair back. She felt like all the air in her body had been sucked out. She stopped walking and let her arms fall to her side. “What happened to me?” Alex whipped back around quick and look at him with so much pain in her eyes. “Why can’t I remember everything? Why don’t I have powers anymore? Why am I in love with you but don’t even know who you are?” He jumped up quickly and walked over to her. He stopped an inch from her face and wiped the tears from her soft cheeks. “You still have powers. You are still Zoë. I knew it when I saw you today.” He tucked the hair in front of her face behind her ears and held her head in his hand. “A long time ago, we were fighting in a war against people just like us who wanted to get rid of the humans because they were ‘inferior.’ But we both knew that is a lie. So we fought and fought and fought. And we won. But as soon as it had ended, I ran to you and picked you up into my arms. But you didn’t move. And you were ice cold. I put you down and looked into your eyes. They were the brightest shade of purple you can think of. You were so pail and look like you were in pain. You grabbed my hand weakly and placed it onto your stomach. I lifted your shirt to see dark, purple veins all over you.” His eyes grew watery again as he felt her stomach just like before. “You fell to the ground but I cought you. And all you said was, ‘This is the end of this life. But I will come back. We shall walk this Earth together for all of eternity.'” He stepped away from her once more and closed his eyes. He looked out to the water which now reflected the dark purple sky. “You have been gone for 252 years Zoë.” He turned to her again and looked hurt. “You have been gone for so long and there hasn’t been one day where I haven’t been searching this entire planet for you.” Alex had no words. She didn’t even know if her name was Alex anymore. She sat back down onto the roof and looked up and him. He sat down in front of her and looked into her eyes. He took up both her hands and took a deep breath. “Reach deep into your heart and you will find you. Reach deep into your heart and you will find me. Reach deep into your heart and you will find us.” Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She cleared her mind and relaxed. She reached deep into her heart and fealt that tightening again. She kept pushing deeper and deeper when she suddenly she felt almost as if a flame had gone off in her chest. A huge smile spead across her face. “Zach I-” and when she opened her eyes, he was gone. She was sitting on the curb of Hidden Creek. The sun had already set. She had tears running down from her face. She could still feel his touch on her fingers. On her cheek. She looked down at her hands and balled them into fists over and over. She stood up and and looked around. Everthing was familar but she felt like a stranger. Her heart was ripped from her chest and she felt like she couldn’t breath she dropped to her knees and screamed with all the pain inside her. Every single glass window on the street shattered. And that’s when she know. It’s all real.
Fantasy
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This is a really well-rounded fantasy piece with a lot of unique elements and a solid storyline. You have the reader questioning the origins of the characters and insert a lot of unexpected turns which keeps the story captivating and fresh. It’s sequentially sound and takes the reader on a journey in a very short period of time. Great work!
Here are a few notes:
1. If an age in this format is followed by a noun it needs hyphens.
[17-year-old Alex Grey]
2. I commend your use of active language and a variety of verbs, well done! Make sure they agree with their subjects. Typically ‘blare’ is associated with sound, not light.
=== a flash [glared] past her.
3. I like in the beginning how at first it’s ‘normal’ but in the same sentence it’s turns out to be quite severe. The juxtaposition is interesting.
=== Everything [looked] normal except for a young man, hunched over, gasping for air.
4. Describe his eyes. When someone is gasping for air often communication is done through the eyes.
=== She looked into his [billowing, gaping, cavernous, longing] eyes and he stared back into hers.
5. Perhaps give an example of his poetic speech.
=== His words were few but he spoke them as if he were reading poetry
[“the pleasure is kindly mine”] or something more rhythmic
6. Taken aback and taken back are often mixed up.
=== Alex was taken [aback] by his the way he spoke.
7. Just to add effect
=== The world was blurring, [spiraling] by so fast
8. This is such an intimate move and fascinatingly abrupt, but I think the reader needs another movement to finish the action.
=== She wrapped her arms around his neck and [pounced, clamping] her legs around his torso.
9. This is such a scenic place to transport to, good location! minor spelling error
She was on top of a large white building [overlooking] the city of Greece.
10. Only to specify the timeline…did it shatter when she came to or was it already shattered once she did? Consider:
=== Every single glass window on the street [had] shattered
=== Every single glass window on the street [suddenly] shattered
Excellent imagination, I look forward to reading more work from you! Thanks for contributing.
I really loved reading your short story. I liked how the story had multiple twists and turns. I do suggest that the two main characters meet in a different way. It just seems too convenient that Zach ran into his long lost love. I also, suggest changing Zach’s name into something more unique. Other than those suggestions, it was a good short story!