Cody stepped outside. The air was still damp from the hurricane. The roads were silent, not a plane, bird, or animal in sight. Trees dotted the ground everywhere.
Cody inhaled deeply. The morning sun stretched over the horizon, half blinding Cody. A few other people had come out of their homes since Cody had left hers. The silence was broken by a firetruck’s sirens nearby.
Sixteen-year-old Cody had just survived the worst hurricane to come through the Caribbean in one hundred years. Her house was one of the few untouched by debris and fallen trees.
Many of her friends had decided to go to shelters to stay safe from the trees that surrounded their houses. Cody wasn’t one of them. When she brought the idea to her parents, they refused to abandon the house that had been passed down generations.
“This is the safest house in our neighborhood.” Cody’s mother had told her. “We’ll be fine.”
Her parents’ promise was kept, however, it was difficult to sleep with the wind howling outside.
The sky was so blue, Cody almost thought that the hurricane was just a dream.
Cody’s father had warned her the day before the hurricane hit that while power was out, crime would be high. Cody figured it would only be high in the city, but her parents were very clear that she wasn’t allowed out of the neighborhood until the power was back on.
Despite their warnings, Cody promised to meet her best friend in the city before her parents had talked to her. Cody always kept her promises. It was a family law. Breaking a promise was like robbing a bank in her family’s eyes. Being an only child, her parents had made sure to teach her the rules of the household well.
Kate told Cody to meet in front of their favorite restaurant: Dill’s. If Cody hadn’t forgotten to charge her phone before the hurricane, she would’ve texted Kate to cancel.
As she made her way to the city, Cody started to regret her decision on promising to meet Kate.
After about thirty minutes of walking, Cody finally stood in front of Dill’s. She scanned the clearing. Not a soul in sight.
A car suddenly turned the corner, speeding down the lane like you’d see in some freak show. Another car followed it, it took Cody a second to realize that the second car was an undercover police car. The driver in the police car turned its sirens on, breaking the silence that had once filled the area. The driver in the first car started to speed up, but before it could go any faster Cody grabbed the nearest trash-can lid and threw it at the car’s windshield; smashing the glass inward and causing the driver to spin and crash into a nearby building. The cop car skidded to a halt and the driver stepped out of the vehicle.
As the police approached the wrecked car, a gun-shot split through the air like sudden lightning. Cody had little time to comprehend what was happening before the cop fell to the ground, unconscious. Cody ran over to the police, attempting to check to see if he was somehow alive.
A second gun-shot pierced through the air. Cody looked up to see the driver she had sent into a building. Then she looked down. Blood poured out from her chest area. Pain shot through her as she realized that the gun’s target had met its mark.
Cody fell to the floor, unable to feel, and soon, unable to see. She closed her eyes as her world went black.
Realistic Fiction
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You’ve built up your story well. The climatic scene has an amazing amount of detail and enough suspense to keep the reader’s mind struggling to keep up with their eyes trying to read the next part – great job.
I have two suggestions:
1) The beginning of the story mentions that the hurricane is the worst to hit the Carribean in 100 years, but there isn’t much detail on the destruction it’s caused. Let us know more about the damaged buildings, curled powerlines, displaced pets – anything to create a picture. Doing this will also make the line “The sky was so blue, Cody almost thought that the hurricane was just a dream” feel more powerful and almost mocking to the circumstances.
2) The piece is centered on the second shot, and thus the fall of your main character. Draw out that final scene just a little longer. What are her last thoughts? What is the last thing she sees? Is she frantic in her last moments or peaceful about death? There are many ways you can describe this; you could switch perspectives to an omniscent view or even to the perpetrator’s view. Maybe the shot was an accident. Is there something Cody doesn’t realize that would still be good for the reader to know? These are just some ideas to think about.
Now that I think about it, you are very right! Thanks for the feedback 🙂