Once upon this vibrant, serene, and captivating day, there was this sweet, youthful and charming thirteen-year-old girl whose name was April. She was indeed very pretty, and yet she was so blind to it, because of the fact that she was only cognizant of what people were seeing, thinking and saying. What a sweet, loving, and dear girl she was and had always been. She loved to learn new concepts and learned new things almost every day. She paid attention in school, never skipped classes, and would always ask lots of questions. She was intrigued by nature, and she was eager to try new things, and had always been a good listener. She always made good decisions because she wanted to have optimal outcomes in the end. She loved to compliment other people and give them gifts and show them a lot of love and attention. April counted her blessings, and was always focused on bringing delight with every step she takes and every morning she wakes. She has a strong fondness for pets. She had a parakeet. She was always a precious and sweet girl with a mindset that was always at peace. She was a straight A student. She always followed her deep sense of intuition to lead her to where she should be. She always handled her life with grace and love and she always had a perpetual sense of hope that kept her holding true to her dreams and remaining true to her innermost feelings. No matter what the situation she could handle it. Nothing fazed her. She was well coordinated. She was optimistic, and always reassured herself that as long as she made the right choices she would excel. She was clear-sighted. She always did her best with everything life handled her. She was a deep and philosophical thinker, and her pragmatic advice helped and benefited others including her. She loves God because he made everything in nature, and is the best thinker. She was extremely gifted and loved to play the piano. When she played she could do amazing things for the world. April is so charming and cheerful her self-induced and continuous depression over her body began simply by thinking that she wasn’t skinny enough to fit in with the popular group of girls, or at least to be similar to them or be one of the cool or acceptable girls. She just couldn’t stand to compare herself to or to be aware of the picture-perfect female models on TV and the hot girls in the magazines. She sometimes would take what some people said personally, and she took the bad things deeply to her heart to the point that she eventually had low self-esteem. There was this one thing she couldn’t let go of that seemed to be a big deal to her. April looked at her reflection in the mirror in the bathroom, she saw a gut forming, and after realizing that she believed she was fat when actually she was within the range of what globally was considered healthy and that she could just take it slow and that there was no hurry to lose the slight amount of weight she had to lose because she was still young and had her whole life ahead of her. But, she still had this strong longing to be the thinner one in the group. So, she first decided to do as many sit-ups as she could do on her exercise mat daily, made it a habit, made herself love the feeling of over-exercising and barely eating anything. April started small and worked her way up, really high with everything she did. Especially the treadmill. One day, she did 5 min, next day, 10, then 15, 20, 25, 30, all the way up to 60. She ended up doing 100 sit-ups a day. Every day she would lift 3 lb. dumbbells and she drank water as much as she could drink. She ate less and less, and only ate healthy things that would help her lose weight. As she started to lose more and more weight, she began to wear baggy clothing so it wasn’t very evident that she was emaciated. She exercised more and more, drank more water, and ate less and less. As she dropped the weight, at first, she looked prettier and prettier, but then it just went too far. Her gut vanished, and then at first, she had lines of definition, but then she was grotesquely thin, and, her shoe size went from 9 to 7 and a half. There was barely any fat on her body, and even her butt was flat,
and her face had nearly no fat just a scary thin face. Up until now, she always wished and longed all her life, to be talented and toned enough to do the Olympics!
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A trend I’m noticing with your writing is that you have really good characterization. You create round characters with multiple dimensions. They seem like a real person, and that’s really hard to do! However (and this will sound cliche), there’s a lot of telling vs showing in here. The next time you write something, try and describe a scene and the actions of characters, reather than just telling us what they’re like.
For example, instead of saying, “Once upon this vibrant, serene, and captivating day, there was this sweet, youthful and charming thirteen-year-old girl whose name was April” describe the day. What does the sun look like? What does the grass smell like? Are they in a city or a farm? And what makes April so sweet and charming? Show me some examples of what she does to make people think that.
A detailed and microscopic description of the girl ! Simple words, nice flow, picturesque depiction holds the reader right up to end. Title is great reflection and summary of the entire article. A PROMISING GREAT WRITER EMBEDDED IN THIS ARTICLE BRINGS OUT A GOOD TASTE FOR DETAILED DESCRIPTION! A MODEL FOR BEGINNERS LIKE ME.