“What’s it like?”
I looked up at him from the piece of string I’d pulled from the cushion and had been intricately spinning between my fingers. My initial feeling was of anger; does he think I’m naive enough to believe I’m the only person in the world who feels this way? I know he knows what it’s like.
I suppose my facial expression gave my thoughts away, because his eyes softened and he rerouted.
“This isn’t a loaded question Mae. I’m not being rhetorical or condescending. It’s not the same for a single person out there. Its custom designed for you, in a fucked up sort of way.”
I bit my lip.
Are you seriously even considering this? You don’t even know him, he’s just some shrink that’s going to think you’re crazy and put you in a nut house. It’s none of his business.
I pursed my lips and decided to humor him anyway.
“Do you believe in Zodiac signs?”
His eyebrows furrowed a bit.
“I’m really not sure. Why do you ask?”
I pulled my legs up and tucked them under my thighs in an Indian position, rebelling against the integrity of his pristinely white couches, and how they were supposed to make me feel.
Stop. Just get up and walk out. He doesn’t even care, he just wants to get paid.
“Because you want to know what it’s like. Gemini’s are represented by twins. Two beings consisting of one, constantly and simultaneously rebelling and complimenting each other. That’s what it’s like; being possessed by a twin, in a fucked up love-hate relationship. She’s with me everywhere I go, and I can’t shake her.”
“My coffee doesn’t taste the same anymore…”
Coffee is caffeine. It’ll increase your heart rate and you won’t be able to breathe. You’ll fall over, but nothing will be wrong with you. I’m just trying to look out for you.
“I can’t drive on the highway…”
Remember last time? You could die. Your throat will close and your chest will pound and it will feel like something is squeezing you, forcing all of the air out. Your hands will go numb and you won’t be able to control the car. You could die! I’m just trying to keep you safe.
“I don’t want to hangout with my friends anymore…”
They don’t understand you like I do. If you have one of your episodes, they’ll think you’re a freak, or you’re doing it for attention, or something is wrong with you! They’ll call an ambulance, but then you’ll be fine! Everyone will talk about you. I’m just trying to protect you. It’s safer this way. Easier this way.
I took a ragged breath in and out, squeezing my eyes shut, forcing myself to concentrate.
“Sometimes it feels so heavy. I feel like on the outside I’m walking, but my head thinks I’m crawling. I get that feeling you experience when you can feel someone coming up behind you, and your heart jumps, and you want to whip around to look at them, or run away as fast as you can, but instead, my instinct is to just fall and crawl and roll up…”
Why would you run? What’s the use? I’m with you. We’re in this together.
“I feel insane. I literally feel crazy, like I’m two different people in one. I have a twin, constantly pushing back against me and with me, and there’s nothing I can do to shake her. I’m not even spiritual, but damn, I get possession. It’s the perfect metaphor for the Gemini: two twins, one the parallel of the other, who can’t live with each other, but also can’t live without each other.”
I exhaled and focused on winding the string back around my finger, clearing my head by winding, winding, winding, watching my finger slowly fade from white to pink.
Now you’ve done it. Why would you say all that? You’re possessed?! What the fuck. You’re right, you are insane. Don’t look at him. Just leave.
I glanced up at him, preparing myself for his bewildered expression. He was studying me, his eyebrows furrowed, dark brown eyes staring directly into mine. I felt naked, exposed.
“Which twin are you?”
I was taken aback by this, and I think it may have even showed. It felt like I jumped a little, and I felt my eyes widen and my mouth form into a shocked little “o”. But we knew the answer.
Look away, look away, look away. The string, wind the string.
I forced myself not to pry my eyes away from his.
In my head it sounded like a scream, a demand, a plea. But when I heard it myself, it was dry, barely a whisper, and hard.
“I’m both.”
By: Gracie Riley
Narrative Nonfiction
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Wow. I was really blown away by this piece. It’s clear you really put a lot of thought into it. It was really relatable. You painted a vivid picture and made me feel like I as a reader was the one sitting in that chair. I think this could even help a person who has never experienced this type of anxiety understand what it’s like.
This really shows the power of writing. When I say I understood just about everything you wrote; I understand everything. I’ll raise my hand proudly, I’ve gone to the hospital only to have them say nothings wrong with me and I have seen the shrink that sometimes didn’t understand. I thought this piece described the frustration perfectly. It feels like you’re going back and forth with your thoughts, but you can’t seem to calm yourself down.
Anxiety.
It sucks.
My favorite part about this was the ending. I believe it summed it up perfectly adding the perfect bow to this great short story.