Truth be told
All that glitters
Really isn’t gold
What seems to glimmer
Really doesn’t glow
Beneficial to know
Younger than old
It becomes cold
Traveling LIFE’S road
Yes you’re blessed to have it
But shit!
It’s cold as it is callous
It was disastrous
Before it became bliss
More downs than ups
More sadness
Than it gives happiness
Nothing like this reality check
That if only the good die young
It must mean that I’m bad
If I’m still here breathing
I guess
Poetry
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I really like the story here. It’s philosophical in a way and almost reminiscent – as if saying “This is what I wish I would have known [about the truth].”
I’d like to read more concrete details in this piece. The abstraction is great, but draw your readers in further by engaging physical senses. Give us something to picture, hear, smell, taste, feel. Help us really make the connection to your poem.
The message here is touched with wisdom. Good work, and keep writing!
– Jenaya
Thanks for your feed back all is appreciated. Try to see I did use senses: What seems to glimmer does not glow, that is saying use your SIGHT because if you think you’re using it, you’re not sometimes. Awareness all around in this poem, they will FEEL and SEE when life is cold because in real life the cold stings and hurts but also reminds you youre still alive. One has HEARD “only the good die young”. The senses are there, just have to really look for them. Giving examples and bringing the reader in is always great, but thats an easier explanation for them to make them understand my point of topic. Metaphors do the same thing except it assures the reader is really reading the message.
So this was meant to be a spoken word. I can definitely see this piece being performed. There are grammatical errors that I say keep because it went so well with what you were trying to portray. I liked it, and that’s that.
It could be I see why but it wasn’t my intention. Using expression like I did here in my poetry is for the reader to read what I’m saying dramatically and realistically and feel that without seeing it performed. it should move you and resonate with you without seeing it as a performance.