“I think you’re pretty beautiful”
I said it to his face
I said it to his eyes
I said it in my place
I said it in my memory
I said it in my brain
I said it to my mother
When I got off that plane
I said it in my dreams
I said it- his eyes gleamed
I said it in the gloom
I said it way too soon.
Poetry
Comments are closed.
1 Likes
1367 Views
Share:
I think this is a very interesting and clever poem! I certainly like the repetition used throughout it: “I said it in/to…” As I understand it, the narrator was preparing for the moment that she was going to announce to her companion and/or potential lover her genuine feelings, saying it in her “dreams,” embedding the phrase into her “brain” and “memory.” You made use of the repetition in such a manner that shows that she was building herself to the iconic moment. She had a plan – to declare her love and inevitably obtain a happily ever after with this guy that she cares about so deeply. However, when the moment came, she realized that, in spite of it all – all of her organizing and plotting and her growing self-esteem – she had spoken too soon and ruined everything. It was a relatively simple poem in regards to structure, but there was a lot to be said within those three stanzas, and that’s what makes it so ingenious!
My only problem with the poem is the sequence. Evidently, there is a narrative, but it is non-linear to the point that it can be confusing. I’ll admit, I had to read the poem three or four times before I established the story line, and I’m not even positive that I got it right. For example, I am still not quite sure where the mother falls into all of this? Were the two on a plane but the narrator dashed off in order to proclaim her feelings? I could not tell definitely because the story is out of order. Thus, my advice to you is look back at the poem and reformat it so that it’s more successive. Start with the character telling herself the phrase over and over again in her brain, prepping for the momentous moment, and then figure out all of the events that lead up to the ultimate rejection. It will make the story easier to follow, and the conclusion will also be more striking; in other words, if the poem just builds and builds and builds to that supposedly remarkable moment, then the crash will come off as a severe shock.
Overall, I really did love the poem! I believe that your intentions were grounded, but I think that the layout could just be revised a little to make the anticipated reaction more profound!