This is such an adorable, yet relatable poem. As an individual who personally deals with insecurities every single day, I know that I like to make light of them in order to tamper down my nerves, and I believe that a lot of people undergo the same procedure as well, like yourself. Really, this poem is the perfect example of what it’s like to constantly live with that “pressure” – that pressure to do everything right and make everything right. In particular, I love the sentence where you compare the congestion of your insecurities – your “helium heart” – to a balloon because it provides the reader with a pleasurable visual. He or she can literally just imagine prodding the balloon, irritating everything within until it finally bursts, thus allowing relief. It is a great and strong simile!
If there’s anything that I would (possibly) change about this poem, it is the manner in which you divide the lines. In my opinion, the lines do not end or splice off at the most inopportune times. They do not glide off the tongue nicely because you separating subjects from verbs or verbs from the recipient. Because of this, the poem loses fluency. Considering how well-written the piece, I would think that you’d like the poem to sound just as good orally. To illustrate what I mean exactly, imagine if I were a random stranger reading your poem, and every time there was a new line, I had to take a 3 to 5 sentence pause; based on where the divisions are at the present, it would sound awkward. Thus, my advice for you would be to go back, to speak this poem aloud, and to figure out the spaces where the gaps of silence are more appropriate. In doing this, the poem will definitely sound cleaner and more eloquent!
Seriously though, overall, this was an amazing piece! Great job, my friend!
This is such an adorable, yet relatable poem. As an individual who personally deals with insecurities every single day, I know that I like to make light of them in order to tamper down my nerves, and I believe that a lot of people undergo the same procedure as well, like yourself. Really, this poem is the perfect example of what it’s like to constantly live with that “pressure” – that pressure to do everything right and make everything right. In particular, I love the sentence where you compare the congestion of your insecurities – your “helium heart” – to a balloon because it provides the reader with a pleasurable visual. He or she can literally just imagine prodding the balloon, irritating everything within until it finally bursts, thus allowing relief. It is a great and strong simile!
If there’s anything that I would (possibly) change about this poem, it is the manner in which you divide the lines. In my opinion, the lines do not end or splice off at the most inopportune times. They do not glide off the tongue nicely because you separating subjects from verbs or verbs from the recipient. Because of this, the poem loses fluency. Considering how well-written the piece, I would think that you’d like the poem to sound just as good orally. To illustrate what I mean exactly, imagine if I were a random stranger reading your poem, and every time there was a new line, I had to take a 3 to 5 sentence pause; based on where the divisions are at the present, it would sound awkward. Thus, my advice for you would be to go back, to speak this poem aloud, and to figure out the spaces where the gaps of silence are more appropriate. In doing this, the poem will definitely sound cleaner and more eloquent!
Seriously though, overall, this was an amazing piece! Great job, my friend!