Dotted, spotted,
He’s found on the run.
Not for himself, but
the lack of others.
Rotted through, inside
and out; a walking price to pay.
Smothered in scars, wandered too
far, now he’s completely lost
today.
General
Comments are closed.
Likes
1382 Views
Share:
This is so, so good! I have always been a fan of stories that involve individuals on the run, and you decided to utilize that story line to reflect on the consequences of being without a direct path to follow for an extended amount of time. This girl, evidently, decided to go on the run because she felt devoid of attention; no one wanted her. Unfortunately, in her attempt to find relief and meaning in her life, she wandered too long and too far. Now, she is utterly wounded and has no idea what to do next. This poem encompasses what happens to a person when he or she allows others to define their worth, striving to find a way to make them notice: “she’s found on the run / not for herself, but / the lack of others… a walking price to pray.” They lose themselves along the way, and there is sometimes no coming back from that: “Smothered in scars, wandered too / far, now she’s completely lost / today.” Seriously, you did a wonderful job with this piece, and the language that you used in order to induce feelings of pity and empathy on the audience was spot-on!
My one suggestion is revise Lines 3 and 4 because they are slightly confusing. Although I get what you mean by “not for herself, but / the lack of others” – the girl ran because there was no one around to care or stop her – I have to admit that it took me a second while reading to fully understand. I had to re-read two more times. The phrasing is just a bit awkward, thus I would say to change the lines to say: “not for herself, but / because of the lack of others.” That way, it is clarifies the cause and effect relationship of the situation; the girl left not for herself, but simply because she felt unneeded by anybody.
But again, all in all, I would say that this is a very potent and meaningful poem!