The Letter
We used to joke about what we would write to the people who meant the most to us if we ever decided to walk away from our lives. The letter was our way to categorize our feelings about the decision to let go. It was a comical joke that had some deep seeding reality behind it.
The moment you walked away from our relationship made me feel as if the The Letter was the only answer for me was to write the letter for real. After months of finding myself falling apart over you, over what we used to have, or what I thought we had. I am writing this letter to you not to show it is the end of my life but the beginning. I had to experience this pain and to recover from the idea that you were meant to be in my life forever.
To my spirit animal: The day you walked into my life it changed me and the day you walked out changed it again. I felt as if I had someone that could think like me. We first connected over something subliminal like unknown television show that only people with disturbed sense of humor could grasp. We realized that even though we had some obstacles to overcome there was something transpiring between the both of us. It was friendship like nothing before. Starting out slow, I was moving on from someone else and we knew that we were only meant to be friends. Starting with texts, it escalated to phone calls, and then hanging out. Eventually, it became more than that. Every time you looked into my eyes I could feel my chest tightening like I couldn’t breathe. Being next to you meant everything to me. We couldn’t be without contact. I fell head over heels and I felt you were doing the same. We breathed the same air and spoke a secret language that no one else could understand.
On the first day I just thought you were busy, the second day it was odd that you hadn’t called or texted. By the first week I was upset. I texted you a few times and called no reply. After 2 weeks you finally answered and said there were just some personal issues going on and you needed space. Who knew that space meant forever. I was falling apart. Hurting myself again and I was spending my days in a drunken coma. Weeks turned into a month. By then I couldn’t recognize the person in the mirror. I gave up everything. Eventually I stopped hurting myself. Not because I was better but because I couldn’t let my new job see the damage. They couldn’t know that when I left at night I cried all the way home and cried some more into my pillow. It was a facade I had to keep up with. These people didn’t know me or understand and I definitely couldn’t lose my job. I internalized my pain and only showed it to the glass of jim beam I filled every night alone with my door closed. This pattern continued for a while. 3 months after losing you I still cried. Not as often as I did prior but still cried. 5 months later and I hadn’t cried in almost a month. 2 days ago I finally cried again. It was unexpected, I thought I was over the crying and pain. Finding out the truth about you was painful. You moved on from me, so quickly with no explanation. I let myself deconstruct because of the unknown. What I did to deserve this? Was it my fault? Turns out it was. I put you on a pedestal that you didn’t deserve. I made you to be the most important thing in my life which is my fault. I tend to do that. Put people who don’t deserve it ahead of everything else. I sincerely hope you understand that I am not angry with you or hate you. I miss you everyday. I think about what we had often. I don’t miss the relationship. The relationship wasn’t important to me, it was the friendship. Our friendship was a significant one that I needed in my life. I needed you in my life. I wish you all the best in your life and maybe someday we could meet again.
Sincerely,
Your spirit animal.
Journalistic Writing
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