Where do I even begin? My life has been a repeat episode of black Friday. You have no actual inclination as to why you’re here, people are shoving you around, there’s lots of yelling, and noise of a crying baby but you can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from. Now have I ever actually been to black Friday? No, I just imagined that’s what it’s like. I’m sure everyone just does it online. The thing is, as I was sitting in the deli this morning after missing working because I overslept BECAUSE I got drunk because I have zero self-control and couldn’t just have one stinking beer. Jeez that was a handful. Anyways, as I was sitting in the deli this morning I was having a conversation with this really nice guy that has been consistent about sending me snaps off my story and telling me how pretty I am. Nice? Eh a little creepy but that’s besides the point. So we’re going back and forth because he’s telling me he’ll wait for me until I’m ready all the while I am telling him that I am not good for him. I have suffered a great deal of emotional damage, I struggle with controlling my emotions, I have no stability in my life, and I absolutely do not have any inkling as to what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life. In Layman’s Terms, I am a complete mess. Personally, I would like to push off my problems on the fact that I had an awful childhood. I can aaaaaand I can’t. At one point I have to accept the fact that I was and am my own undoing. Today was that point, because I am sitting there realizing that I don’t have anything to show for because of the things I’ve chose to do. I didn’t graduate high school because I thought I had it all figured out. I tried to go back recently and did really well at first and then the next lesson came and I totally bailed on it because I have no motivation for it or any interest in the Ming fucking Dynasty. I spent the last 2 years of my life in an extremely toxic relationship and just recently (The morning after Halloween to be exact) we argued about last night because I got drunk and hit him and told him I didn’t like him after previously that evening I had sat there while he begged and cried for me to take him back. I did and he ended up spitting in my face. Did I leave him alone? Of course not, we’re still friends on Facebook. The pathetic part about it, yes laugh, because I bet you thought what I just said was pathetic. It all is. Even after he spit in my face I let him Lyft me to the airport where we just argued some more I cried and he sent me home where I then cried some more AND still talked to him. We’re “officially” broken up now and I been doing my own thing. In other words, I am being a hoe. See what I mean? My choices are awful. I am not okay with being alone. I feel like I’ll never get my act right and I am SO scared you guys. I have been through the ringer, yet I have never been this terrified before. I am so sick of my own actions. Deep down and I mean really really deep, I know I am not a truly awful person. I am selfish, obsessive, dishonest, abusive mentally and physically, an alcoholic, and a extremely sad person. I mean, after reading all this I actually am pretty awful. On the slightly not so dark side I deleted the most recent guys I was talking to on Snapchat to save them from me. Came back to the house I have been residing in to write this because I can’t do this anymore. I felt like this was a good place to begin, probably full of grammatical errors, improper punctuation, and all over the place; it’s me.
Undefined
Comments are closed.
Heyy. so i came across what you wrote. Before i begin let me tell you that doing something completely opposite or to work towards something good is easier said than done.
Firstly, being an alcoholic doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s okay if you don’t have self control at times. It’s okay to drop out of high school. It’s okay so block people and move on. It’s okay to get your ex- boyfriend back and still talk to him. All of this is perfectly fine as long as you don’t hurt yourself or it doesn’t take a toll on your emotional and physical well being.
Now from what i read, i can feel the pain in your words, but before you begin anything you need to understand that there must be a reason as to what has triggered these events or as to why you believe you are blaming yourself. Don’t call yourself awful or pathetic. I think you are amazing and what really matters is how you deal with and how you get out of these things and how u decide to move on. Stay true to your word once u make a decision. Be aware of the fact that the situation won’t turn into something picture perfect over night but its a gradual effort that will require a great deal of strength and effort on your part.
Thank you, I can be a little hard on myself at times. I needed to blow off steam. There’s a lot more to the story but I just needed to acknowledge what was in my thoughts that morning. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave some kind, motivating words for me.
I totally get where you are coming from. The circumstance may be different, but the feeling of hopelessness, feeling lost, broken…worthless, I often go through those phases in my life. Honestly, it’s a daily battle. What get’s me through is God, my faith in Him is enough to keep myself afloat. I’m not religious at all, but i’m definitely spiritual. For me personally, whenever I feel mentally inept, emotionally unstable, physically drained of energy, I always go back to strengthening my spiritual connection, which is my connection to God. None of us are perfect, the only thing is some people are good at hiding them. You just need to find what or who keeps you sane and centered. We are our own harshest critics, it is so damn hard to focus on the positive parts in our lives, the negative shit always gets the best of us. The challenge is the rise from the bullshit that the worlds gives you, and to rise from your inner demons. and the way to do that, is to try. That’s all we can ever ask of ourselves, no need to be perfect, just try everyday, give it what you can and leave the rest up to fate. All you need to know is that YOU gave it you’re all, you gave it your best and that is really what we all can ask for. I used to beat myself about not getting things right perfectly, and i still do. I would look at others, and it seems that they have their life put together, but the truth of the matter is, I don’t live with them, 24/7 , who knows what crap their dealing with behind closed doors. So, in those low times, I remind myself, to not compare myself with others because it does not help at all, it only makes things worse. Instead, i compare myself to my past self, am i better than the day before? what did i do better today, and what do i need to work on. There are gonna be days, we’re you’re gonna feel like you’re not getting anything right, and that is perfectly okay, just take a deep breath, take a step back and start all over. Live on you’re time, not on society’s time. so, any dreams that you have, know that it’ll happen when the opportunity presents itself, not matter the month, year, or how old you are when you get it, that does not matter, what matters is that you will get what you want eventually. I really believe that. The road to patience is rocky but the end results pay off, trust me. Just take everything one day at a time, don’t consumer your thoughts of your past mistakes, or the future, give yourself some credit, your human being not some robot. We’re bound to make mistakes. Don’t strive for perfection, strive to be better, because humans were not built perfect, they were built to fall and rise, to learn and grow, and through these experiences, we get better and blossom to be the best, better version of ourselves. Keep hanging in there, from what i’ve read, the impression that i get is that, you have been through a lot of personal hardships, with every hardship comes it’s scars. Flaunt them, don’t hide it, be vocal about your struggles, you’re a survivor, there is nothing to be ashamed of, you should be proud of yourself. You have made it this far and that was no way in hell easy. so be proud of yourself.
This piece here says it all, keep posting more pieces like this. it’s raw and it’s authentic and it’s definitely what the writing community needs right now, A bold writer, who can be vulnerable display it’s inner demons on to a paper and write in the most unfiltered way. keep up the good work.
Honestly I have not looked at this post since I wrote it until I seen your reply and I can truly say that I needed to see that and it really means a lot to me that you took the time to sit here or wherever you are and write that to me.