I’ve spent so many lonely nights lying next to you thinking
“this isn’t where I want to be”
Your entire life is filled with visions of yourself
and why shouldn’t it be? it’s the only thing you’ve ever really loved
and you sure know how to treat yourself right
I would say you’ll end up marrying someone just like you but
I don’t know if you would be able to recognize yourself if you tried.
In my room, discussing your ever-changing obsessions
having one-sided conversations with me on the outskirts
not sure if I want to come in or if I should run away
as fast as I can.
I’ve spent my time listening to you say
“I’m only friends with cool people, don’t worry”
You speak bitter words as compliments that I file
in the back of my mind until I need them on another bad night
you talk for hours until I am not myself anymore and
only a mirror for you to use to see yourself.
In the hallways, walking ahead of the group
because someone once told you you’re a leader
taking us where you feel like going
doing what you feel like doing, not noticing when I slip away
to finally breathe.
I’ve spent too many wasted days with you, with me saying
“yeah, whatever, I don’t care”
You’ve always been good at getting what you want
and I was just so amazed that you wanted me
that I didn’t see who you were until it was too late
you dug yourself into my life and planted your heels deep
crushing me but leaving just enough room for you to move how you please.
In my head, thinking too much about everything I do
overanalyzing how I come off and who does and doesn’t like me
just because I know that’s what you do
spending hours getting ready for when you come over
planning out what I’m going to say and do and think and
how I will live my life exactly to your standards,
never my own.
I spent almost as much time thinking about your impact on my life
as I did thinking about my own personal problems
until I realized they were the same thing
I spent a half hour writing this poem
and an hour worrying what will happen if you read it
and a day and a week and a month cursing you in my head
and a year of dealing with you and you not dealing with me
and now I have a lifetime to look forward to and yet
I’m still not sure if you’ll be in it.
Poetry