April 8th, 2018 11:24 PM
There was this girl I use to know. When we first met, I felt something that I can’t describe very well. It was instantaneous and without thought or control. My stomach turned, heart raced, palms moistened, and somehow my words, my greatest ally, had escaped me. I’m not the type of person to come right out and profess these feelings so boldly. Also, I was definitely, probably, somewhat sure that she didn’t feel the same. So, I had to be rather coy about it all. Maybe those feelings would go away after some time? Maybe she would turn out to be less than she seemed at that very moment?
Well she didn’t and they didn’t. Beautiful, intelligent, caring, strong, and her smile was absolutely infectious. At least, that is how I would describe her. I had definitely fallen for her and after all that time, I still wasn’t sure if she felt the same. There were some signs of hope along the way and we had developed the best of friendships. However, my overly analytical nature left too much room for doubt and my cowardliness paralyzed my actions without the certainty of her reciprocal feelings.
One night, as a burden of that friendship, she confided in me that she had met this guy in a chance encounter. She told my that she didn’t know him very well, but I could tell in an instant that she had fallen for him. Unlike me, she was not fearful of taking a chance to let him know how she felt. I didn’t know anything about him, but then again, I didn’t need to. He wasn’t me.
My mind raced and I couldn’t stop it. One moment, the manifestations of the lost future together which I had dreamt. The realization of the loneliness I had felt before we had met, that now seemed like an inevitability as sure as the eternal nature of time itself. The hopeless whimper of tears knowing that her life would continue unabated and that all the wonderful love she had to give would be in the arms of another.
In that moment, I was forced to realize the truth. Regret, that I didn’t have the courage to take a chance at winning her heart. Sorrow, that I would never know the love I had wished for for so long. Pain, sharply building in my chest as my frail heart was breaking. Discontent, that I wasn’t a good enough man to deserve her affections.
Anger, that I wasn’t deserved of her affections.
Anger, that I allowed my heart to be so frail.
Anger, that I would never know her love.
Anger, that I couldn’t summon the courage to take a chance.
How does one come to terms with this piercing reality that was now thrust upon me? I still had the life long friendship that had developed? I cared for her so much, how could I just let her walk out of my life? But, how could I continue to be just her friend knowing that my feelings would never wane and she would never feel the same? Is something better than nothing? Questions that seemingly are without end.
Why does LOVE have to bring a lifetime of both joy and pain? Why does LOVE carry both our most wonderful dreams and simultaneously our very worst nightmares? Why do I wish to never to feel LOVE again and then, not even a second later, to again feel it wishing it never to fade? Why, on the precipice of enteral loneliness, does LOVE seems like a riddle without an answer or a puzzle with all of the pieces missing? Then, without knowing how or why, why does LOVE’s enigma unravels in an instant in her presence? Questions that seemingly are without end, are without end.
Wow! Such a powerful piece!