Walking through a hollow place
Full of
Exhausted people
Too close
Not enough space
I kind of feel
Sort of out of place
Once, a long time ago
The hollow people
Weren’t tired
But wound up
Like the dancing ballerina
On top of a jewelry box
Swirling and sparkling
To be on top
My what a pleasure
But now
They are worn out
Their song has ended
Carved out
By an angel
As I go
Through the graveyard
I feel not worthy
My ballerina
Still dances
The jewelry box
Isn’t full
My song
Has only started
Picture source
http://www.historic-uk.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/highgate-cemetery.jpg
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What I really love about this poem is the contrast between the living and the dead. As the narrator walks through the graveyard, there is this extreme sense of distance. Once upon a time, these people were formerly above ground and wound up like “the dancing ballerina” within “a jewelry box.” Now, they reached their expiration date, tired and weary and “Exhausted.” I enjoy that you chose not to focus on the idea of the dead having reached eternal peace, which is a definite trite phrase, but having lived their lives with a fervor that eventually wore them out. Although it is a sad concept – to wear one’s self thin from activity – it is also full of contentment because we humans naturally strive to make our lives worth something; we want to do things and see things and accomplish things. This poem demonstrates that the dead have made their claim and solidified their statement on Earth. Furthermore, as stressed in lines such as “I feel not worthy” and “My song / Has only started,” the living are responsible for continuing that tradition and fulfilling their lives just as fully as the dead did. In other words, we cannot allow life to pass us by as if it is not a gift. We have to tackle each day like it is our last.
While there is nothing wrong with the poem – your grammar is flawless, your imagery and metaphors are spot on, and your word choice is superb – I have a proposal for you: while reading this poem, I noticed that the majority of the lines consist of only 2-3 words. Thus, I thought it would be really interesting if you could go back and narrow down the lines that have more than 2 or 3 words to make them more concise. By doing this, the poem will not only be potent in regards to its major theme, but there would also be a distinct pattern throughout. Personally, I believe that this would be a great touch because it reinforces the notion that life is short, so we have to make the most out of every single day; make every line, though short in length, strong, powerful, and significant.
Brilliant message. Splendid manner of executing it. Great job, overall!
This is so haunting yet very well written and expressive. I read the poem twice, the first time without the image and the second time having seen the image. You have transcribed the aura of the place so beautifully.
A very interesting poem and your creativeness superb, thanks for sharing.